Mother In Mourning

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2011-12-02T13:04:00.001-06:00

Isabel

2011-10-21T12:30:00.000-05:00

My little girl would be eleven. When she was born I thought my heart would burst I loved her so much. Her Dad and Grandma were in the room too. Her Dad felt the same. Her Grandma beamed with pride. She cried as she held her beautiful granddaughter in her arms. They both thanked me for giving birth to her. Her Nina and Uncle are the only other people who got to meet her. I cradled my baby girl in my arms, everything was perfect, I thanked God for this experience.

Three hours and forty-five minutes later she took her last breath in my arms. Our hearts were crushed and broken. I was there for her first breath and her last. I spent every minute of her life with her. She knew only love and peace. I thanked God for this experience.

I miss her so much!

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2011-10-18T13:59:00.001-05:00

October 15th

2011-10-15T18:19:00.001-05:00

Remembering our babies...

2011-09-28T05:02:00.000-05:00

Here it comes again...
My very sad months. I have learned to survive October only to drown in November.
I'm going to approach it a little differently this year. I'm going to fasten my seatbelt and take the wheel. It's my pain, I'm gonna own it.

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2011-04-10T12:26:00.001-05:00

27 years and two days ago I said I do to my soul mate. 685 days ago he...

Random Thoughts

2011-02-02T16:16:00.000-06:00

My first thought, though redundant, is... I can't believe how long it's been since my last update!

Sorry

If my daughter had lived she would be ten years old and I still picture her as the newborn baby that took her last breath in my arms.

I miss my mom and my husband.

It's been two years since I lost him and I'm still not sure I can do this alone.

I know that the bible forewarned me but... it's still shocking when the ones that hurt you the most are members of your own household, your own family.

I really, really miss my friends.

I love. I do. After all the hurt common sense would help me reason that without love there would be so much less hurt. But I can't help it... I love! And I love to love.

I am blessed.

It's freezing here!

So much going on inside. Can't be put into words. Is this sanity?

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Isabel's bloom

Haiku Friday

2010-10-08T17:25:00.001-05:00

Remembering her...

Looking forward to the day-

We'll be together.

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2010-06-15T13:42:00.001-05:00

Farmer's Market spoils:)

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2010-05-20T10:58:00.001-05:00

Acute sinusitis. Third time in two months. Gotta love allergies!

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2010-04-21T16:29:00.001-05:00

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2010-04-16T18:29:00.001-05:00

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2010-04-12T16:30:00.001-05:00

Jen's first bloom.

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Thomas' first blooms.

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First Blooms

2010-03-26T15:52:00.000-05:00

Isabel's

Her Daddy's

Random Thoughts

2010-03-15T00:01:00.002-05:00

"Little One" is playing (learning) soccer now. I love watching him practice and play.

Starting to come to terms with the realization that my soul mate and best friend is truly gone.

The days are getting warmer, reminding me just how heat-intolerant I am.

My health is not cooperating with me.

I often think of all my blogger friends and wonder how they are.

Wondering if I'm really where I belong or if this is just a part of my journey and I need to move on to my next destination. Not metaphorically speaking but referring to my literal geographical location.

Missing my little girl so much.

Missing her Dad and Grandma too.

Surrounding myself with friends and still feeling so alone.

Grateful for all my children...living and not.

Often overwhelmed.

Smiling and sometimes even laughing again. Laughing feels foreign.

I watched a stretch limousine struggle to turn the corner in front of me. As I turned to be sure it cleared my car, I looked past it and saw a homeless man asleep on the sidewalk in a cubbyhole. Life can be so unfair.

Had a great time last night.

Quote from: Madea's Family Reunion--
Aunt Myrtle: "We had a love so strong.. that is just seemed like we were one. I would get ready to tell him something and he would open his mouth and say the very thing, that I was fixing to tell him. And then. there were those moments when I would lay my head on his chest just to listen to his heart beat. And then one night. I realized that his heart beat, matched mine. I have had an opportunity that few people ever get on this earth. God has blessed me to share time and space with a man that he designed himself just for me. I've not only been blessed.. I have been divinely favored.

I have indeed been divinely favored.

Road Trip

2010-01-18T17:58:00.000-06:00

Florida Beach at sunset.

2009-11-17T11:41:00.000-06:00

It's been a year. A year since he...

Isabel

2009-10-21T10:37:00.001-05:00

My little girl would be nine. When she was born I thought my heart would burst I loved her so much. Her Dad and Grandma were in the room too. He felt the same for her and showed me the tender, loving care he gave her. Her Grandma beamed with pride. She cried as she held her beautiful granddaughter in her arms. They both thanked me for giving birth to her. I cradled my baby girl in my arms, everything was perfect, I thanked God for this experience.

Three hours and forty-five minutes later she took her last breath in my arms. Our hearts were broken. I was there for her first breath and her last. I spent every minute of her life with her. She knew only love and peace. I thanked God for this experience.

Ok, really? Really? What were they thinking?

2009-10-16T17:01:00.000-05:00

October Again...

2009-10-08T22:49:00.000-05:00

I can't believe she'll be nine this month. As I mourn her father, I haven't been as focused on my baby girl. Not that I don't miss her, I just haven't been drowning in the same waves of grief that seem to come lapping at me every October. Instead, I welcome the familiar waves as I look at the horizon afraid of the next month lurking in the depths of the angry water threatening to overtake me with a tidal wave of grief.

2009-09-25T14:59:00.000-05:00

2009-09-12T03:46:00.002-05:00

September. For the last eight years September has marked the coming of October. For me that meant the end of naively thinking that a pregnancy that has survived the first trimester equaled a take home baby. It meant the realization that you can go home from the hospital with nothing but a mother's empty, aching arms and a broken heart. After eighteen years of marriage it was our second pregnancy and the only one to survive the first trimester. Sometimes September is harder. I don't know why.

Two years ago with the death of my mother that changed. August was now the beginning of my constant sadness. At least I knew that at the end of October I would feel a renewed hope. I would be one year closer to being with her and holding her in my arms and never letting go. I would have hope because I survived another year of my heart aching so much that I couldn't imagine it beating for another full minute much less an hour or day.

November will be the first year anniversary of my husbands death. I feel like there is no end in sight, no bright light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining. As I spiral down an endless, dark pit, I wonder if I'll ever see the light of day again. I will. I know. It just doesn't feel like it right now. I still get through each day by convincing myself that he's not home yet or upstairs or outside. When I think about it too much my heart seems to spring countless leaks and struggles for every beat, it becomes so heavy. So, I wonder...What will November be like?

Rain & Flu

2009-09-10T13:59:00.000-05:00

Another day of rain. We need it.

Now that I'm almost better and Little One seems completely better, his sisters all have it. I guess it has to make it's rounds, I just hope I'm not at the end of that round too.

2009-09-02T11:05:00.003-05:00

My little one just lost both his front teeth! He looks so adorable I could just eat his little toothless self all up:) I call him my little vampiro.

2009-08-31T15:46:00.001-05:00

I hate being this sick!

2009-08-24T08:42:00.001-05:00

My Little One is sick. High fever, poor baby:(

Children & Grief

2009-08-18T00:51:00.003-05:00

I was recently asked to review a book called "A Guide to Children and Grief." . The author of the book is Miri Rossitto, she's the owner of Valley of Life.

I was glad to discover that It's not a two thousand page report on the details of a child's every move after loss. However, it is informative, to the point, easy to understand (and I emphasize EASY) and has what I call quick reference charts to quickly find exactly what your looking for.

If you want a copy or just want to check it out you can find it here.

My Husband, My Daughter, My Mom

2009-08-12T13:52:00.004-05:00

I miss him so much! I love him so much! There's not a day, an hour that goes by that my heart doesn't bleed for him. It just wants to stop beating. It truly believes that the realization of the permanency of the situation will prove fatal. We were supposed to grow old together...

She would be eight. Still, I can't picture her as more than a toddler. As I struggle to keep the memories clear and the smells vivid, still, the pain doesn't fade. Gratefully though, the pain is less often and the love burns strong and bright as ever.

She had innocence and gentleness, kindness and love. She was honest and sweet. All that, with the strength and courage of a lion. A tangible blessing.

2009-07-30T11:05:00.003-05:00

I'm going about my business, the sun is peeking out from behind a cloud still keeping our highs at about 102. Amid the steamy heat it crawls out from its dark cave looking for me. I can feel it sneaking up behind me trying to catch me off guard, I say trying because I think that I'm too fast for it. I was wrong. Dead wrong. It grabs me sinking its slimy claws into me and hurls me down that dark, seemingly bottomless pit it lives in. There I am face to face with grief again. It's crippling affect is so overwhelming it makes me believe I won't survive. Thankfully, it doesn't have the strength to hold on. So, as quickly and unsuspecting as it arrived, it's gone. Not without a trace and not without the promise that it will return. It always comes back to find me. However, each time it gives me just a little more courage that I can face it and maybe even live through it. A little more hope that just maybe the memories won't stop my heart from beating.

2009-07-24T00:17:00.005-05:00

I have really neglected my blog.

I'm not even sure what to say or where to begin.

My road trip was great. I saw such beautiful scenery, from country to mountains to beaches. Absolutely beautiful. I also got the chance to see my friends and family. So many, so much love. They were all great and I know how blessed and fortunate I am to have them all. I had a great time and came home relaxed and grateful.

I also came home with the realization that I had been looking for him. I found myself driving by the houses he lived in and going to the places we used to go to together. I didn't find him and still, I didn't know what I was looking for. So, it finally hits me on the last, longest stretch home. Yeah, that was fun. A good five hundred miles of...well, anyway, my last hope was that he was waiting at home for me. We all know that didn't happen, so it served as an awakening of sorts. But for the time being I can't, no, won't deal with it. It's just too sad, too real, too permanent.

I've been spending too much time on facebook and too little time here. I need to get back to blogging.

The Golden State

2009-07-06T19:18:00.003-05:00

Beehive 3

2009-06-23T16:21:00.002-05:00

Beehive 2

2009-06-23T16:02:00.004-05:00

My First Souvenir

2009-06-13T15:33:00.002-05:00

My unwanted souvenir from the Beehive State. A boulder found it's way to my windshield thanks to a semi truck.

The Beehive State

2009-06-10T16:57:00.004-05:00

Day 2

2009-06-10T16:38:00.003-05:00

This is Four Corners where if you stand, or lay (as many preferred) in the center, you'll literally be in four states at once. Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona.

The Land Of Enchantment

2009-06-08T15:32:00.002-05:00

Our encounter with Roswell.

The Carlsbad sky at dusk.