Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
My First Souvenir
My unwanted souvenir from the Beehive State. A boulder found it's way to my windshield thanks to a semi truck.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Day 2
This is Four Corners where if you stand, or lay (as many preferred) in the center, you'll literally be in four states at once. Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona.
Monday, June 08, 2009
From the Lone Star State into the Land Of Enchantment.Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Road Trip
I'll be on my way this weekend. I still have so much to do before I go, procrastinator that I am.
After driving across the Lone Star State I'll be entering the Land Of Enchantment, where I'll stay my first night in it's largest city. Then heading to the four corners where I'll drive through The Centennial State briefly before entering The Beehive State where I'll be staying near it's capital for about a week. After which I'll be off to the The Silver State where I'll stay on the strip of it's largest and brightest city for a few nights. Okay, that's a lot of driving. Thankfully my friend S is flying in the night before I leave to do the road trip with me. I know, way cool, thanks S! Now where was I? Oh yeah, I'm now heading to The Golden State where I'll be staying in several different cities. Can't wait to see the beautiful Pacific Ocean again!
The return trip is a straight shot east through The Grand Canyon State and The Land Of Enchantment back into the Lone Star State.
I'll try to post pictures from each state while I'm there.
Now where did I put that to do list?
After driving across the Lone Star State I'll be entering the Land Of Enchantment, where I'll stay my first night in it's largest city. Then heading to the four corners where I'll drive through The Centennial State briefly before entering The Beehive State where I'll be staying near it's capital for about a week. After which I'll be off to the The Silver State where I'll stay on the strip of it's largest and brightest city for a few nights. Okay, that's a lot of driving. Thankfully my friend S is flying in the night before I leave to do the road trip with me. I know, way cool, thanks S! Now where was I? Oh yeah, I'm now heading to The Golden State where I'll be staying in several different cities. Can't wait to see the beautiful Pacific Ocean again!
The return trip is a straight shot east through The Grand Canyon State and The Land Of Enchantment back into the Lone Star State.
I'll try to post pictures from each state while I'm there.
Now where did I put that to do list?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
An Anniversary Story
A couple that happen to be very good friends of mine just had their 16th wedding anniversary. I agreed to have their party at my house. That was not a good idea. However, leave it to me not to figure that one out until after I said, "Yes."
Last month would have been my 25th and I had to be brain dead to think I could deal with this so soon like a grown-up. So...I make absolutely no preparations until the day of the party. I figured that if I didn't have time to think about it it would somehow be okay. Not.
First of all I did everything at the last minute so I was late getting back. Yes, you can be late to a party that is at your own home. Next, I didn't have time to cook what I promised so I bought it cooked. I really wanted to but every time I stayed home that day all I could do was cry. I figured if I was running all day doing everything last minute I wouldn't have time to do that. Wrong again. I cried in the car, at the grocery store, at M*acy's, at S*am's Club. All day, everywhere.
I get home, throw together the food I brought (thankfully others brought their "real food" all home made) greet a few guests and go in the bathroom to cry. Then I wash up, come out, greet more guests and the guests of honor and go outside and cry. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty dehydrated by now. Then after about a half hour I go back inside and pretty much keep it together the rest of the night.
I don't think the guests of honor were aware of this. At least, I hope not.
It was a nice party and they are a great couple.
The worst part of it for me isn't how sad I was or how empty I felt remembering my better half...it was the guilt. I felt/ feel so guilty for ruining it. Even if no one else noticed. I did. I feel so selfish for thinking of myself and my loss when this is such a special day for them. I feel like a selfish teenager. Yes, an everything is always about me, teenager.
It's only been six months since I lost him but shouldn't I at least be able to control when and where I fall apart? I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable around me. It was so different when I lost my daughter. I felt entitled to grieve when and where ever I needed to. It was my right. She was my baby. After all, not many people know what it feels like to hold your newborn in your arms and watch helplessly while she dies. It is my right. But, many people have lost their spouses. They survive. It makes me feel like I don't have the right to grieve when and where I need to. Like I should quit whining.
I did kind of make up for it by buying them way cool gifts.
I just feel so selfish. Selfish, sad and empty.
Last month would have been my 25th and I had to be brain dead to think I could deal with this so soon like a grown-up. So...I make absolutely no preparations until the day of the party. I figured that if I didn't have time to think about it it would somehow be okay. Not.
First of all I did everything at the last minute so I was late getting back. Yes, you can be late to a party that is at your own home. Next, I didn't have time to cook what I promised so I bought it cooked. I really wanted to but every time I stayed home that day all I could do was cry. I figured if I was running all day doing everything last minute I wouldn't have time to do that. Wrong again. I cried in the car, at the grocery store, at M*acy's, at S*am's Club. All day, everywhere.
I get home, throw together the food I brought (thankfully others brought their "real food" all home made) greet a few guests and go in the bathroom to cry. Then I wash up, come out, greet more guests and the guests of honor and go outside and cry. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty dehydrated by now. Then after about a half hour I go back inside and pretty much keep it together the rest of the night.
I don't think the guests of honor were aware of this. At least, I hope not.
It was a nice party and they are a great couple.
The worst part of it for me isn't how sad I was or how empty I felt remembering my better half...it was the guilt. I felt/ feel so guilty for ruining it. Even if no one else noticed. I did. I feel so selfish for thinking of myself and my loss when this is such a special day for them. I feel like a selfish teenager. Yes, an everything is always about me, teenager.
It's only been six months since I lost him but shouldn't I at least be able to control when and where I fall apart? I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable around me. It was so different when I lost my daughter. I felt entitled to grieve when and where ever I needed to. It was my right. She was my baby. After all, not many people know what it feels like to hold your newborn in your arms and watch helplessly while she dies. It is my right. But, many people have lost their spouses. They survive. It makes me feel like I don't have the right to grieve when and where I need to. Like I should quit whining.
I did kind of make up for it by buying them way cool gifts.
I just feel so selfish. Selfish, sad and empty.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Free Cookies
Want a chance to try free cookies and support a good cause too?
Click here and visit Tracey's blog for your chance to win!
Click here and visit Tracey's blog for your chance to win!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Photo By STime has elapsed and as I struggle to keep the walls up and solid they keep slipping and softening, conforming to their own agenda. I have glimpses of him and what we had and I crumble. Crumble, like an infant that cannot be pacified. I can't dwell too long if I expect to keep a measure of my sanity. I tremble at the thought of going through life without him. Alas, I grieve.
I don't want to come across as ungrateful. I am thankful for what I still have. I have my little one. I have a home, a car, a pulse and faith.
I'm going on a road trip. I think I need a change of scenery, if only temporary. It's going to be great for the kids too!
If I told you now what would I write about in my next post?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Quick Update
Going nuts staying home. Can't drive yet but soon I hope. I fractured/broke my leg about five weeks ago but it's healing pretty well. Before that I was never home...trying to keep busy and out run my grief I guess.
On the bright side...A very good friend of mine just found out that she's with child:-)
It's been a long disappointing road for her. I am so happy for her. She deserves this.
Congratulations Niobe! He's just beautiful!
On the bright side...A very good friend of mine just found out that she's with child:-)
It's been a long disappointing road for her. I am so happy for her. She deserves this.
Congratulations Niobe! He's just beautiful!
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
25
That's how many years we would have been married. It's still impossible for me to imagine tomorrow, next week much less the rest of my life without him. However, I seem to be surviving. I go about my every day business as usual while my heart is broken and crying out.
(Genesis 2:24) . . .That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.
(Genesis 2:24) . . .That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
In Memory of...
Eight years ago I held a thirteen ounce miracle in my arms. Everything about her was beautiful and perfect. Her short time on this earth was filled with love, family and friends. She taught and gave me more in her all too brief time in my life than I could ever have given in return. Though there will always be the pain of a mothers broken heart and empty arms aching for her baby, I will forever be grateful to have been a part of that tiny miracle named Isabel.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Remembering Our Babies
I can't upload or download anything right now so I cant post the picture for October 15th. Here are some that can. I am, however, remembering ALL our babies...and lighting a candle.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Monday, September 08, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Are You An Original?
This little gadget lets you know how many people in America share your name. I'm not an original. Click on it and see if you are.
I've always liked my name and 'thought' it was unique.
Do you like your name?
If you could choose your own name what would it be?
| HowManyOfMe.com | ||
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I've always liked my name and 'thought' it was unique.
Do you like your name?
If you could choose your own name what would it be?
Monday, September 01, 2008
I'll Play
Here's an interesting topic from the ladies over at Glow In The Woods. It's a spirituality-themed 6 by 6 meme. If you find this topic interesting consider yourself tagged and stop in here for details. The ladies there have also answered all these questions themselves.
1 | Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?
Absolutely. I call it Jehovah. Creation itself in addition to things that happen everyday.
2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Sure.
3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
Yes. For and about anything and everything I can think of.
4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
Helpful...there are so many scriptures, but I'll narrow it down to Psalm 27:1, Revelations 21:4 and Acts 24:15. My Favorite saying is "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
The teaching of the resurrection has helped me profoundly. I look forward to the day that I will hold my daughter in my arms again and have the opportunity to raise her with great expectation. Also, my memorial garden and keeping her memory alive has been comforting.
6 | Some people say that in a foxhole, there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.
I've never been in a foxhole.
1 | Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?
Absolutely. I call it Jehovah. Creation itself in addition to things that happen everyday.
2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Sure.
3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
Yes. For and about anything and everything I can think of.
4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
Helpful...there are so many scriptures, but I'll narrow it down to Psalm 27:1, Revelations 21:4 and Acts 24:15. My Favorite saying is "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
The teaching of the resurrection has helped me profoundly. I look forward to the day that I will hold my daughter in my arms again and have the opportunity to raise her with great expectation. Also, my memorial garden and keeping her memory alive has been comforting.
6 | Some people say that in a foxhole, there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.
I've never been in a foxhole.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
My Little One
Little One was sick...again. It seems all too often that he has a fever. A cold=fever, cough=fever, teething=fever, you get the picture. It gets high too. His recent trip to the E.R. at 1:30 a.m. was with 104.9 and no symptoms and that was with Motrin. Yeah. They brought it down to about 103.8 and sent him home. No tests, nothing.
A few days later he had a follow-up with his Pediatrician, still had a fever, still no symptoms. A few days after that STILL no symptoms and a low grade fever. She sent him for a series of blood tests. Next day he had to repeat the tests so she could verify the results and see in what direction they were going. This time he has an ear infection. Relief, there's finally a reason for a fever.
Results are in, here's where it gets ugly...He is now referred to a Pediatric Hematologist Oncologist. It seems that because of the results of his blood tests it may be a virus (more than likely) but it could also be Leukemia. I felt as if she punched me with that word, I couldn't breath and I certainly couldn't swallow down the lump in my throat. It was the one year anniversary of my mothers death. Admittedly not knowing much about it, all I could think is that I could not lose him, not another one, not now. Yes, I do know that's jumping the gun but I wasn't using my perceptive powers of reasoning at the time.
There you go...I wasn't sure how or even if I should post this but it's done and now you know. I do believe that this is just a virus, a strange, rare one but just a virus. I pray everyday that it is. I haven't been able to discuss it with most of my real life friends but I could blog it...go figure.
*Updated to add: The results are in and he DOES NOT HAVE LEU*KEMIA! Thank you for your comments.
A few days later he had a follow-up with his Pediatrician, still had a fever, still no symptoms. A few days after that STILL no symptoms and a low grade fever. She sent him for a series of blood tests. Next day he had to repeat the tests so she could verify the results and see in what direction they were going. This time he has an ear infection. Relief, there's finally a reason for a fever.
Results are in, here's where it gets ugly...He is now referred to a Pediatric Hematologist Oncologist. It seems that because of the results of his blood tests it may be a virus (more than likely) but it could also be Leukemia. I felt as if she punched me with that word, I couldn't breath and I certainly couldn't swallow down the lump in my throat. It was the one year anniversary of my mothers death. Admittedly not knowing much about it, all I could think is that I could not lose him, not another one, not now. Yes, I do know that's jumping the gun but I wasn't using my perceptive powers of reasoning at the time.
There you go...I wasn't sure how or even if I should post this but it's done and now you know. I do believe that this is just a virus, a strange, rare one but just a virus. I pray everyday that it is. I haven't been able to discuss it with most of my real life friends but I could blog it...go figure.
*Updated to add: The results are in and he DOES NOT HAVE LEU*KEMIA! Thank you for your comments.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Friday, August 08, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Haiku Friday
Wow! Almost a year.
I still can't believe she's gone.
The heart will heal...right?
"Little One" asks why,
Little Sister had to die.
Thanks Him, says "Amen."
I still can't believe she's gone.
The heart will heal...right?
"Little One" asks why,
Little Sister had to die.
Thanks Him, says "Amen."
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
No Internet
I haven't posted because I have no internet. It was turned off by the security center right after my last post. It seems I hadn't secured my wireless connection and...well someone abused it. Now that I've secured it I can't get them to turn it back on. I hope I'll be back on soon. In the meantime I log on at the library (which really sucks) to check in on all of you. I hope I'll be back soon. I miss everyone.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Update
I realize that I haven't posted in what seems to be forever. Sorry.
I have had so many posts in my head that never found there way here. Now they're gone.
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My best friend just lost her grandmother.
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My other best friend and her family came to visit from California. For a whole week I had a two month old:)
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My 17 year old is now Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.
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Sometimes my grief and memories are like a butterfly that caught a breeze and float by so effortlessly and beautifully that all I can do is smile. Sometimes it hits like a truck manned by a reckless driver who doesn't care when and where he strikes. Lately its the latter.
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Three women in my bible study group are pregnant. They say its my water. I wish.
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I always read you're blogs, even when I don't comment or post.
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I want to buy one of these.
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I still feel like I'm in a fog a lot of the time. Remembering my moms words describing herself...I think it might be menopause.
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I love getting mail. I just do. Some of my recent mail treasures are souvenirs from Niobe, (Thank you, I love them!) surprise packages from Jen (Thanks, I love them too!) and letters from my nephews in California.
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I went to Sea World (yay!) and had heatstroke (boo!)
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My memorial garden looks like a miniature forest. I trimmed back my oregano and rosemary plants. I offered the trimmings to the neighbors and everyone wanted fresh oregano but no takers for the rosemary. I also got rid of three bags of morning glory vines that thought they owned the entire garden. They were thrown in the trash, their punishment for trying to choke out every other living thing in their path. I kept all the basil. Newly planted there are two mexican birds of paradise. One for my grandmother and one for my uncle. I was happy to see a hummingbird hungrily lunging at my bleeding hearts.
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A very sweet friend of mine is going through a very hard time and it makes my heart so sad for her.
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I have just introduced my children to Gilligan's Island. I rented the series from netflix. They love the show.
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I wish I could something that makes a difference.
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My husband and my six year old are playing their new wii game, Indiana Jones. I can hear them arguing and playing and can't tell which is the six year old.
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I miss my baby girl so, so much. And my mom too.
I have had so many posts in my head that never found there way here. Now they're gone.
**********
My best friend just lost her grandmother.
**********
My other best friend and her family came to visit from California. For a whole week I had a two month old:)
**********
My 17 year old is now Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.
**********
Sometimes my grief and memories are like a butterfly that caught a breeze and float by so effortlessly and beautifully that all I can do is smile. Sometimes it hits like a truck manned by a reckless driver who doesn't care when and where he strikes. Lately its the latter.
**********
Three women in my bible study group are pregnant. They say its my water. I wish.
**********
I always read you're blogs, even when I don't comment or post.
**********
I want to buy one of these.
**********
I still feel like I'm in a fog a lot of the time. Remembering my moms words describing herself...I think it might be menopause.
**********
I love getting mail. I just do. Some of my recent mail treasures are souvenirs from Niobe, (Thank you, I love them!) surprise packages from Jen (Thanks, I love them too!) and letters from my nephews in California.
**********
I went to Sea World (yay!) and had heatstroke (boo!)
**********
My memorial garden looks like a miniature forest. I trimmed back my oregano and rosemary plants. I offered the trimmings to the neighbors and everyone wanted fresh oregano but no takers for the rosemary. I also got rid of three bags of morning glory vines that thought they owned the entire garden. They were thrown in the trash, their punishment for trying to choke out every other living thing in their path. I kept all the basil. Newly planted there are two mexican birds of paradise. One for my grandmother and one for my uncle. I was happy to see a hummingbird hungrily lunging at my bleeding hearts.
**********
A very sweet friend of mine is going through a very hard time and it makes my heart so sad for her.
**********
I have just introduced my children to Gilligan's Island. I rented the series from netflix. They love the show.
**********
I wish I could something that makes a difference.
**********
My husband and my six year old are playing their new wii game, Indiana Jones. I can hear them arguing and playing and can't tell which is the six year old.
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I miss my baby girl so, so much. And my mom too.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
She's Gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Monday, March 24, 2008
When a baby is destined to die
Jeanne Deibert knew as soon as she saw the ultrasound. Read more...
Don't forget to launch the video.
Don't forget to launch the video.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
How Many Children?
At a gathering I was asked how many children I had. I answered, "Five living and a daughter who I lost right before Little One." She asked me how old she was and we had a nice conversation. I was proud to have mentioned my sweet baby girl.
Five minutes later another woman came up to me, complimented me on my children and asked how many I had. Without hesitation I replied, "Five."
In consistency I'm lacking, though in love for my baby girl I never waiver.
Five minutes later another woman came up to me, complimented me on my children and asked how many I had. Without hesitation I replied, "Five."
In consistency I'm lacking, though in love for my baby girl I never waiver.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Sushi everyone?
Just about every person(adult) I know likes sushi. I don't. Is this odd or does everyone else in the world but me like it?How about you?
Your friends?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Out of hiding
I have had such a hard time climbing back up this time. After recovering from a stomach virus, followed by the flu doing its rounds at my house, I got a stomach virus again. Wha...? Why? Oh, that's right...because it's ME! Anyway, right in the midst of it all my moms death flooded in around me like like a dark, heavy, overwhelming cloud. I still can't believe... I guess I just fell into a (seemingly bottomless) pit of depression or sadness or something. Because I'm not good with {{sharing}} my feelings (in real life) I don't think anyone around me knew. It still breaks my heart when I think of her...
My youngest (living) daughter picked the middle of this time to lose her mind. In the process this rebellious, seventeen year old bag of raging hormones with a bionic mouth almost made me lose mine as well. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Now that I can focus again I want to congratulate Niobe for her limerick chick award I love her winning entry!
My youngest (living) daughter picked the middle of this time to lose her mind. In the process this rebellious, seventeen year old bag of raging hormones with a bionic mouth almost made me lose mine as well. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Now that I can focus again I want to congratulate Niobe for her limerick chick award I love her winning entry!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Quick Update
I'll get back to posting more regularly...really.
My Father-in-law died two days ago. He had been sick for quite some time. He knew it was coming and said what he wanted said. He lived in Taiwan (he was military and his second wife is from there) so we met only once. We kept in touch and were close. He was a good man. I miss him.
The flu has taken up residence here! My older kids brought it home from school (of course.) It has infected the majority of our family and several friends. Yesterday I couldn't get my temperature under 103 until evening. When "Little One" had it I thought he would quit breathing every time he coughed. My poor husband has to go to work with it. You would think that they wouldn't want it to spread. Unfortunately what's on their minds is that he has no more sick leave and they need him there.
I hope you're all staying healthy!
My Father-in-law died two days ago. He had been sick for quite some time. He knew it was coming and said what he wanted said. He lived in Taiwan (he was military and his second wife is from there) so we met only once. We kept in touch and were close. He was a good man. I miss him.
The flu has taken up residence here! My older kids brought it home from school (of course.) It has infected the majority of our family and several friends. Yesterday I couldn't get my temperature under 103 until evening. When "Little One" had it I thought he would quit breathing every time he coughed. My poor husband has to go to work with it. You would think that they wouldn't want it to spread. Unfortunately what's on their minds is that he has no more sick leave and they need him there.
I hope you're all staying healthy!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Study: Caffeine may boost miscarriage risk
Anything that can give us a little more insight on giving our babies a fighting chance... is a good thing. Read this.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Thursday, December 13, 2007
One More Moment
Most of the time I'm completely settled into the skin of a mom. A mourning mom. Who will never forget. But who must go on. For herself. For her little one. To survive. But sometimes. Just sometimes... I am so angry that I don't get just one more moment. I'm not asking for a day not even an hour. I just want to see my baby alive for one more minute. Okay even dead. I just want to see her. To hold her. It hurts so much. Then...I remember the must go on part. I wipe my tears. Unclench my fist. Remove the emotions...and go on.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
A Special Gift
I have had an unusually bad few weeks. On the heels of my daughters anniversary came my mom's birthday. On top of these were some medical problems I could have done without. I don't mean to sound like a pitiful crybaby just to paint an accurate picture of my current mental and emotional state.
Then...
Completely catching me by surprise I get this in the mail from a very special friend of mine. Not only did it lift my spirits and make me smile and cry at the same time but it made me realize how fortunate I am to have people who care.
Thank you J. You made my day! I will treasure it always.
Of course I'm also thankful for all my friends and family that care. There's "S" and "Me" and my blogger friends who always seem to check in and comment even if I'm boring like Tracey, Niobe, Angel Mom, Carole, Mike and Msfitzita.
Thanks!
*Updated to add*
Don't forget to light a candle at 7:00p.m. tonight Sunday, December 9th, for "All children who have died."
Thanks to Catherine for the reminder.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
My Day
Little One has strep throat. After a fever of 104 and an urgent care visit Monday I took him home with antibiotics. Instead of improving he has progressively gotten worse. I'm taking him back today.
My eighteen year old son is now the proud owner of the universe and all its inhabitants, all the knowledge and know-how therein and a mouth to prove it. Soon-to-be not-so-proud owner of an eviction notice.
At the end of the month my mom would have been sixty-three years old. I miss her so much.
That's my day. What are you up to today?
*Update* Just got back from urgent care...again. On top of strep throat, Little One also has a nasty virus and is getting an ear infection. I'm fired!
My eighteen year old son is now the proud owner of the universe and all its inhabitants, all the knowledge and know-how therein and a mouth to prove it. Soon-to-be not-so-proud owner of an eviction notice.
At the end of the month my mom would have been sixty-three years old. I miss her so much.
That's my day. What are you up to today?
*Update* Just got back from urgent care...again. On top of strep throat, Little One also has a nasty virus and is getting an ear infection. I'm fired!
Friday, November 09, 2007
Just My Imagination
Last night while I was out having an otherwise nice time, a pregnant couple sat across from us. This wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for their behavior.
First, they were young. Second, they were nice looking. Third, they were going to have a baby. This should make for a happy occasion right? Of course not. Now, I do know that they probably just had a fight. Pregnant hormones and all. Or maybe they just got some bad news. Or something. But I couldn't talk myself into that last night.
With my vivid, pessimistic imagination I just couldn't let it go at that. They looked so, so sad. They may have said two words to each other. They hardly even look at each other, they just sat there quietly looking down at the table. I (who always imagine the worst) wondered if there was something wrong with the baby. Did they just find out it has something life-threatening? Maybe they found out that it was over and they're now waiting for the spontaneous birth? I know how ridiculous this sounds but this is how my mind works. I could think of nothing else. She looked sad enough to cry and so did he. Not angry just sad. I couldn't concentrate on the good company I was with or the nice surroundings, just on her obvious sadness. They quietly shared a plate and left.
I'm sure the baby was fine but my mind goes to some pretty strange and sometimes dark places sometimes. I hate that my mind works like this. I wish I didn't know that all pregnancies don't have happy endings.
First, they were young. Second, they were nice looking. Third, they were going to have a baby. This should make for a happy occasion right? Of course not. Now, I do know that they probably just had a fight. Pregnant hormones and all. Or maybe they just got some bad news. Or something. But I couldn't talk myself into that last night.
With my vivid, pessimistic imagination I just couldn't let it go at that. They looked so, so sad. They may have said two words to each other. They hardly even look at each other, they just sat there quietly looking down at the table. I (who always imagine the worst) wondered if there was something wrong with the baby. Did they just find out it has something life-threatening? Maybe they found out that it was over and they're now waiting for the spontaneous birth? I know how ridiculous this sounds but this is how my mind works. I could think of nothing else. She looked sad enough to cry and so did he. Not angry just sad. I couldn't concentrate on the good company I was with or the nice surroundings, just on her obvious sadness. They quietly shared a plate and left.
I'm sure the baby was fine but my mind goes to some pretty strange and sometimes dark places sometimes. I hate that my mind works like this. I wish I didn't know that all pregnancies don't have happy endings.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Her Story Part II
See Her Story Part I below.
Today, seven years ago...
I open my eyes to see a nurse putting something on my door. She leaves and I ask my husband what it was. He tells me that its a mourning leaf and that it will let them know before entering the room that there is or will be a death. The contractions are long, hard and painful.
I wake up again and ask what day it is. I can't believe that it's only the 21st. The nurse tells me that I need to push and have the baby. She said I'll only get worse and that the baby hasn't had a heartbeat since yesterday. I ignore her. I wake up again to see my mom, my brother-in-law and my best friend in the room with us. Besides a saline I.V. and antibiotics I don't let them give me anything else. Since I'm not on any pain medication I don't understand why I can't stay awake.
My mom has cold towels on my head and whispers that I'll get through this and I'll be okay. I didn't know there was a question. It was my baby that was in need not me. My husband comes over and everyone else leaves. He tells me that he knows what I'm doing and that it won't work. That she can't be put back and that because of this my infection is getting worse. He said that was why I was slipping in and out of consciousness. He said he was sad too but that he couldn't lose us both. As I drifted back to sleep I thought that he was overreacting and should be more concerned and focused on the baby not on me.
I spoke to people here and there but didn't remember much, until...I overheard the Doctor (not mine, another from our HMO who had the next shift) talking to my husband as I was waking up.
Doctor, "She's getting worse. The antibiotics aren't working as well as we hoped they would."
Husband, "What are you saying?"
Doctor, "I don't think she's going to make it much longer. If she keeps the baby inside I'm afraid you're going to lose them both."
Husband, "I've already spoken to her and she doesn't want to..."
Doctor, "There is one thing. Because she has been going in and out of consciousness you can make the decision for her."
Husband, "I can't make her push."
Doctor, "No, but you can give us permission to sedate her and take the baby. Then she'll at least be able to recover. You don't want to lose them both do you?"
Long pause.
Husband, "Okay get me the paperwork."
Me, "Wait a minute, I'm ready."
I figured that if my baby was going to enter this world alive or not, I wasn't going to be knocked out. I was not missing the birth of my own baby. I wanted to give her more time but the choice was no longer mine. My mom was brought back into the room and I began to push. The Doctor warned me that she had probably died the night before and that I should prepare myself.
My beautiful baby girl was born at 10:10 a.m. She was 21 weeks and six days gestation. She was 9 3/4 inches long and weighed 13 oz. She was breech. She cried. Then she was immediately given to me.
The Doctor explained to me that she was too young to survive. I begged the Doctor to help her. She said that they could stick a tube down her throat to make her breathe a little longer. She said that it would be painful and traumatic and that she had absolutely no chance of survival. I loved this tiny baby and I didn't want to cause her any more suffering. Not if she had NO chance of life. Not after my own body that was supposed to protect her had just betrayed her with this abrupt eviction. I didn't argue.
Two nurses asked for my daughter to clean her up and...NO. I didn't know how long she would be alive. She could take her last breath at any time. They looked to the Doctor for instructions. She told them that they were to "Do whatever I wanted." Turning to me she said, "Keep her as long as you want. Do whatever you want. Call if you need anything." Then she walked out.
The nurses brought me warm blankets for her and cried every time they came in to replace them. From that point on the staff was more supportive than I had ever experienced. Nurses frequently checked on me.
She was perfect. My heart was so filled with love that I was afraid it would burst. I had never experienced this instant complete unconditional love before. I felt very blessed. I knew my baby would die (though my heart secretly hoped they were wrong and she would miraculously live) but I was grateful for this time however short it may be. I was grateful for having experienced pregnancy, giving birth and this love that made me feel at peace. I felt a oneness with her, with God, with the universe. I stared in awe as I cradled her in my arms.
It's now about 1:40 p.m. and I notice that her breathes are slowing. As I continue watching, the seconds between her exhales and inhales seem like hours. At 1:55 p.m. she exhaled for the last time. I waited. I begged. I cried...and still she wouldn't take even one more breath. I cried hysterically. My husband held her and prayed. And cried. He gave her to a nurse. I told her to give her back. I needed to hold her to keep her. I screamed for her. I pleaded and cried. She cried too, apologized and left the room with her. (I feel that I needed/wanted more time with her BUT my husband did what he thought was in my best interest and I understand.)
A nurse came in and asked if they could take pictures of her. I was appalled (inexperienced as I was). How could they photograph a dead baby? Mine? I said no (A decision I have always regretted.) She brought me a heart shaped box. What is this? She explained that it was made for these situations. I opened it to find a tiny (it would have fit her perfectly) dress, booties, a hat and a little blanket. This was beautiful and thoughtful and I still treasure it.
I was forever changed by her. She made me complete. I learned to love unconditionally. To feel intensely. To cry until I'm empty. To control my emotions better. I learned who my real friends were.
That day my heart was more full of love and joy than ever before. That day my heart was broken and crushed like never before. She will forever be a part of me. She is remembered by the people closest to me. I will be with her again in the resurrection.
Today, seven years ago...
I open my eyes to see a nurse putting something on my door. She leaves and I ask my husband what it was. He tells me that its a mourning leaf and that it will let them know before entering the room that there is or will be a death. The contractions are long, hard and painful.
I wake up again and ask what day it is. I can't believe that it's only the 21st. The nurse tells me that I need to push and have the baby. She said I'll only get worse and that the baby hasn't had a heartbeat since yesterday. I ignore her. I wake up again to see my mom, my brother-in-law and my best friend in the room with us. Besides a saline I.V. and antibiotics I don't let them give me anything else. Since I'm not on any pain medication I don't understand why I can't stay awake.
My mom has cold towels on my head and whispers that I'll get through this and I'll be okay. I didn't know there was a question. It was my baby that was in need not me. My husband comes over and everyone else leaves. He tells me that he knows what I'm doing and that it won't work. That she can't be put back and that because of this my infection is getting worse. He said that was why I was slipping in and out of consciousness. He said he was sad too but that he couldn't lose us both. As I drifted back to sleep I thought that he was overreacting and should be more concerned and focused on the baby not on me.
I spoke to people here and there but didn't remember much, until...I overheard the Doctor (not mine, another from our HMO who had the next shift) talking to my husband as I was waking up.
Doctor, "She's getting worse. The antibiotics aren't working as well as we hoped they would."
Husband, "What are you saying?"
Doctor, "I don't think she's going to make it much longer. If she keeps the baby inside I'm afraid you're going to lose them both."
Husband, "I've already spoken to her and she doesn't want to..."
Doctor, "There is one thing. Because she has been going in and out of consciousness you can make the decision for her."
Husband, "I can't make her push."
Doctor, "No, but you can give us permission to sedate her and take the baby. Then she'll at least be able to recover. You don't want to lose them both do you?"
Long pause.
Husband, "Okay get me the paperwork."
Me, "Wait a minute, I'm ready."
I figured that if my baby was going to enter this world alive or not, I wasn't going to be knocked out. I was not missing the birth of my own baby. I wanted to give her more time but the choice was no longer mine. My mom was brought back into the room and I began to push. The Doctor warned me that she had probably died the night before and that I should prepare myself.
My beautiful baby girl was born at 10:10 a.m. She was 21 weeks and six days gestation. She was 9 3/4 inches long and weighed 13 oz. She was breech. She cried. Then she was immediately given to me.
The Doctor explained to me that she was too young to survive. I begged the Doctor to help her. She said that they could stick a tube down her throat to make her breathe a little longer. She said that it would be painful and traumatic and that she had absolutely no chance of survival. I loved this tiny baby and I didn't want to cause her any more suffering. Not if she had NO chance of life. Not after my own body that was supposed to protect her had just betrayed her with this abrupt eviction. I didn't argue.
Two nurses asked for my daughter to clean her up and...NO. I didn't know how long she would be alive. She could take her last breath at any time. They looked to the Doctor for instructions. She told them that they were to "Do whatever I wanted." Turning to me she said, "Keep her as long as you want. Do whatever you want. Call if you need anything." Then she walked out.
The nurses brought me warm blankets for her and cried every time they came in to replace them. From that point on the staff was more supportive than I had ever experienced. Nurses frequently checked on me.
She was perfect. My heart was so filled with love that I was afraid it would burst. I had never experienced this instant complete unconditional love before. I felt very blessed. I knew my baby would die (though my heart secretly hoped they were wrong and she would miraculously live) but I was grateful for this time however short it may be. I was grateful for having experienced pregnancy, giving birth and this love that made me feel at peace. I felt a oneness with her, with God, with the universe. I stared in awe as I cradled her in my arms.
It's now about 1:40 p.m. and I notice that her breathes are slowing. As I continue watching, the seconds between her exhales and inhales seem like hours. At 1:55 p.m. she exhaled for the last time. I waited. I begged. I cried...and still she wouldn't take even one more breath. I cried hysterically. My husband held her and prayed. And cried. He gave her to a nurse. I told her to give her back. I needed to hold her to keep her. I screamed for her. I pleaded and cried. She cried too, apologized and left the room with her. (I feel that I needed/wanted more time with her BUT my husband did what he thought was in my best interest and I understand.)
A nurse came in and asked if they could take pictures of her. I was appalled (inexperienced as I was). How could they photograph a dead baby? Mine? I said no (A decision I have always regretted.) She brought me a heart shaped box. What is this? She explained that it was made for these situations. I opened it to find a tiny (it would have fit her perfectly) dress, booties, a hat and a little blanket. This was beautiful and thoughtful and I still treasure it.
I was forever changed by her. She made me complete. I learned to love unconditionally. To feel intensely. To cry until I'm empty. To control my emotions better. I learned who my real friends were.
That day my heart was more full of love and joy than ever before. That day my heart was broken and crushed like never before. She will forever be a part of me. She is remembered by the people closest to me. I will be with her again in the resurrection.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Her Story Part I
It was seven years ago today...
I put myself on bed rest today. I feel like there is something wrong but I don't know what. In the last two weeks I've gone into my OB's office and said, "Please check me something seems wrong" about five times. I was checked the first time. As she showed me my bouncing (actually I think she was doing cartwheels) baby on the screen she assured me that all was well and that I had the first time mommy jitters. After the first time I was quietly ushered out by her nurse and told that the Doctor was very busy and said that everything was fine I should stop worrying. Thanks Doc.
Last night, upon receiving some bad news in a very stressful situation I began to feel some lower abdomen pain. A few hours later It was worse and was in my back too. I called my Doctor's office and though she wasn't available a nurse asked me a few questions. She reached the conclusion that I was just having some pregnancy constipation problems and should take something for it. Whew, I'm glad it wasn't serious. So I took something for it.
About an hour or two after I went to bed I was awakened by cramping and an urgent need to go. I try but nothing. ten minutes later same thing. An hour goes by, now it's every few (two to five) minutes. I can't sleep and wonder why what I took wasn't working. *{Of course I know now but at the time was in complete ignorance of these signs}* Still no blood, everything MUST be fine. Though I was completely unaware at the time, I lost my mucus plug early this morning. Finally I could sleep for an hour.
When I woke up I told my husband what had happened and he said I should call my Doctor again. I did. She wasn't available so I left a message. I called again two hours later. Same response. An hour later. Still, no response. I was getting nervous here. My husband said, "I don't care what she (Dr.) said, I'm taking you in!" I was glad to be going and find what was wrong but...I couldn't help feeling a little reluctant too. I mean how many times can you be ushered out as a silly, overly-worried-for-no-reason-nuisance before you feel shame at even thinking of going in and bothering them with, ummm...doing their job!
I went in to the local E.R. and because I was just over that 20 week mark was immediately sent up to L&D to get checked out. Ahhh, now we're getting somewhere. The Dr. on shift from our HMO was...of course, mine. That would be why she wasn't available to return my calls. Thanks Doc.
A nurse came in and strapped on all needed monitoring equipment. Her heart rate was staying in the 151 b.p.m. area. Good. Contractions were picked up. Must be some incredibly strong Braxton Hicks. All looks great for an entire hour with the small exception of having lost her heart beat after she moved at the end. She really moved. Not to be found.
Nurse, "All looks good, here's the discharge paperwork you need to sign. Follow the instructions and if you have any questions..."
Husband, "Wait a minute! Your sending us home just like that? She said something is wrong! And why was there no cervical exam done? Isn't that routine?!"
Nurse, "Of course, that's always done first. The first (as this was the second) Nurse did that."
Husband, "No she didn't."
Nurse, "Yes, I'm sure she did."
Husband, "No, I've been here the entire time and it was never done!"
Me, "It was never done."
Nurse, "That's odd. Give me that paperwork, I'll be right back."
First nurse comes in and begins then stops and without a word scurries out.
Us, "Wha..."
In comes another nurse, does the exam...ouch. She looks up at me, does it again and leaves the room. Not a word spoken. I ask my husband to gather my things since it was done and I was being discharged and...In march two orderly-nurses-something. They quickly unplug all machines lift bed rails and roll me out through the hall.
Me, "What are you doing?"
Orderly #1, "We're taking you to your room."
Me, "There must be some mistake, I'm being discharged."
Orderly #2, "No, you've just been admitted."
Me, "What, why!?"
Orderly#1 to Orderly #2, "No one told her?"
Me, reaching out and grabbing hold of a doorway, "I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me what's going on."
Orderly #2, "You're right I'm sorry, I thought you knew. I'll go get someone."
Here comes the last nurse. She has a poker face and speaks right through me.
Nurse, "You are being admitted. You are fully dilated and the baby is half way down the birth canal."
Me (with a blank look of shock on my face), "I'm only 21 weeks and 5 days, it's too early. What can be done?"
Nurse, "You will give birth and it will die. Nothing can be done."She turns and walks away.
I'm completely shocked.
Orderly #1 & #2 apologize for her rudeness.
While in my room they can't find a heartbeat and I am informed that the baby may have already died. They didn't know how long she had been half out and said that there was infection.
I had a plan. I had to hold on to my baby to give her every chance at life. I thought that if I kept her in me just a few more weeks she would have a chance. When the contractions came, when the urge to push came, I resisted. Floods of people came that night but I only remember a few. I was concentrating on keeping this baby. No matter what they said.
As it got later my fever worsened. I've waited sixteen years to give birth, lost a baby at seven weeks, gone through infertility drugs, injections, IUI's and fallen completely in love with this child. I will be sick yes but I will keep this baby safe...
Continued
I put myself on bed rest today. I feel like there is something wrong but I don't know what. In the last two weeks I've gone into my OB's office and said, "Please check me something seems wrong" about five times. I was checked the first time. As she showed me my bouncing (actually I think she was doing cartwheels) baby on the screen she assured me that all was well and that I had the first time mommy jitters. After the first time I was quietly ushered out by her nurse and told that the Doctor was very busy and said that everything was fine I should stop worrying. Thanks Doc.
Last night, upon receiving some bad news in a very stressful situation I began to feel some lower abdomen pain. A few hours later It was worse and was in my back too. I called my Doctor's office and though she wasn't available a nurse asked me a few questions. She reached the conclusion that I was just having some pregnancy constipation problems and should take something for it. Whew, I'm glad it wasn't serious. So I took something for it.
About an hour or two after I went to bed I was awakened by cramping and an urgent need to go. I try but nothing. ten minutes later same thing. An hour goes by, now it's every few (two to five) minutes. I can't sleep and wonder why what I took wasn't working. *{Of course I know now but at the time was in complete ignorance of these signs}* Still no blood, everything MUST be fine. Though I was completely unaware at the time, I lost my mucus plug early this morning. Finally I could sleep for an hour.
When I woke up I told my husband what had happened and he said I should call my Doctor again. I did. She wasn't available so I left a message. I called again two hours later. Same response. An hour later. Still, no response. I was getting nervous here. My husband said, "I don't care what she (Dr.) said, I'm taking you in!" I was glad to be going and find what was wrong but...I couldn't help feeling a little reluctant too. I mean how many times can you be ushered out as a silly, overly-worried-for-no-reason-nuisance before you feel shame at even thinking of going in and bothering them with, ummm...doing their job!
I went in to the local E.R. and because I was just over that 20 week mark was immediately sent up to L&D to get checked out. Ahhh, now we're getting somewhere. The Dr. on shift from our HMO was...of course, mine. That would be why she wasn't available to return my calls. Thanks Doc.
A nurse came in and strapped on all needed monitoring equipment. Her heart rate was staying in the 151 b.p.m. area. Good. Contractions were picked up. Must be some incredibly strong Braxton Hicks. All looks great for an entire hour with the small exception of having lost her heart beat after she moved at the end. She really moved. Not to be found.
Nurse, "All looks good, here's the discharge paperwork you need to sign. Follow the instructions and if you have any questions..."
Husband, "Wait a minute! Your sending us home just like that? She said something is wrong! And why was there no cervical exam done? Isn't that routine?!"
Nurse, "Of course, that's always done first. The first (as this was the second) Nurse did that."
Husband, "No she didn't."
Nurse, "Yes, I'm sure she did."
Husband, "No, I've been here the entire time and it was never done!"
Me, "It was never done."
Nurse, "That's odd. Give me that paperwork, I'll be right back."
First nurse comes in and begins then stops and without a word scurries out.
Us, "Wha..."
In comes another nurse, does the exam...ouch. She looks up at me, does it again and leaves the room. Not a word spoken. I ask my husband to gather my things since it was done and I was being discharged and...In march two orderly-nurses-something. They quickly unplug all machines lift bed rails and roll me out through the hall.
Me, "What are you doing?"
Orderly #1, "We're taking you to your room."
Me, "There must be some mistake, I'm being discharged."
Orderly #2, "No, you've just been admitted."
Me, "What, why!?"
Orderly#1 to Orderly #2, "No one told her?"
Me, reaching out and grabbing hold of a doorway, "I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me what's going on."
Orderly #2, "You're right I'm sorry, I thought you knew. I'll go get someone."
Here comes the last nurse. She has a poker face and speaks right through me.
Nurse, "You are being admitted. You are fully dilated and the baby is half way down the birth canal."
Me (with a blank look of shock on my face), "I'm only 21 weeks and 5 days, it's too early. What can be done?"
Nurse, "You will give birth and it will die. Nothing can be done."She turns and walks away.
I'm completely shocked.
Orderly #1 & #2 apologize for her rudeness.
While in my room they can't find a heartbeat and I am informed that the baby may have already died. They didn't know how long she had been half out and said that there was infection.
I had a plan. I had to hold on to my baby to give her every chance at life. I thought that if I kept her in me just a few more weeks she would have a chance. When the contractions came, when the urge to push came, I resisted. Floods of people came that night but I only remember a few. I was concentrating on keeping this baby. No matter what they said.
As it got later my fever worsened. I've waited sixteen years to give birth, lost a baby at seven weeks, gone through infertility drugs, injections, IUI's and fallen completely in love with this child. I will be sick yes but I will keep this baby safe...
Continued
Monday, October 15, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
Haiku Friday
He's grumpy and warm,
Shouldn't mommies know this stuff?
His molars are in!
These empty arms ache...
baby girl and her grandma,
can't feel their hugs now.
Flowers bloom in her
memory garden, and I...
remember and smile.
Shouldn't mommies know this stuff?
His molars are in!
These empty arms ache...
baby girl and her grandma,
can't feel their hugs now.
Flowers bloom in her
memory garden, and I...
remember and smile.
My friend S is going through a very difficult time right now. S, I just want you to know that I would be there if I could and you're always in my thoughts and prayers. Your not alone! Love you.This hug is for you and...anyone else who needs one.
Some people like to get hugs, it makes them feel loved or protected or at least cared about. Others don't, it infringes on their personal space or they don't like the physical contact.
How about you? Do you like hugs and why?
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