Road Trip

I'll be on my way this weekend. I still have so much to do before I go, procrastinator that I am.

After driving across the Lone Star State I'll be entering the Land Of Enchantment, where I'll stay my first night in it's largest city. Then heading to the four corners where I'll drive through The Centennial State briefly before entering The Beehive State where I'll be staying near it's capital for about a week. After which I'll be off to the The Silver State where I'll stay on the strip of it's largest and brightest city for a few nights. Okay, that's a lot of driving. Thankfully my friend S is flying in the night before I leave to do the road trip with me. I know, way cool, thanks S! Now where was I? Oh yeah, I'm now heading to The Golden State where I'll be staying in several different cities. Can't wait to see the beautiful Pacific Ocean again!

The return trip is a straight shot east through The Grand Canyon State and The Land Of Enchantment back into the Lone Star State.

I'll try to post pictures from each state while I'm there.

Now where did I put that to do list?

An Anniversary Story

A couple that happen to be very good friends of mine just had their 16th wedding anniversary. I agreed to have their party at my house. That was not a good idea. However, leave it to me not to figure that one out until after I said, "Yes."

Last month would have been my 25th and I had to be brain dead to think I could deal with this so soon like a grown-up. So...I make absolutely no preparations until the day of the party. I figured that if I didn't have time to think about it it would somehow be okay. Not.

First of all I did everything at the last minute so I was late getting back. Yes, you can be late to a party that is at your own home. Next, I didn't have time to cook what I promised so I bought it cooked. I really wanted to but every time I stayed home that day all I could do was cry. I figured if I was running all day doing everything last minute I wouldn't have time to do that. Wrong again. I cried in the car, at the grocery store, at M*acy's, at S*am's Club. All day, everywhere.

I get home, throw together the food I brought (thankfully others brought their "real food" all home made) greet a few guests and go in the bathroom to cry. Then I wash up, come out, greet more guests and the guests of honor and go outside and cry. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty dehydrated by now. Then after about a half hour I go back inside and pretty much keep it together the rest of the night.

I don't think the guests of honor were aware of this. At least, I hope not.

It was a nice party and they are a great couple.

The worst part of it for me isn't how sad I was or how empty I felt remembering my better half...it was the guilt. I felt/ feel so guilty for ruining it. Even if no one else noticed. I did. I feel so selfish for thinking of myself and my loss when this is such a special day for them. I feel like a selfish teenager. Yes, an everything is always about me, teenager.

It's only been six months since I lost him but shouldn't I at least be able to control when and where I fall apart? I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable around me. It was so different when I lost my daughter. I felt entitled to grieve when and where ever I needed to. It was my right. She was my baby. After all, not many people know what it feels like to hold your newborn in your arms and watch helplessly while she dies. It is my right. But, many people have lost their spouses. They survive. It makes me feel like I don't have the right to grieve when and where I need to. Like I should quit whining.

I did kind of make up for it by buying them way cool gifts.

I just feel so selfish. Selfish, sad and empty.

Free Cookies

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Photo By S

I'm back. Really, where else would I be? I don't want to be. Honestly. I don't. However, I have a little one, a little one who happens to need me. So here I am. Half of me anyway, my better half gone, to keep going on for my little one.

Time has elapsed and as I struggle to keep the walls up and solid they keep slipping and softening, conforming to their own agenda. I have glimpses of him and what we had and I crumble. Crumble, like an infant that cannot be pacified. I can't dwell too long if I expect to keep a measure of my sanity. I tremble at the thought of going through life without him. Alas, I grieve.

I don't want to come across as ungrateful. I am thankful for what I still have. I have my little one. I have a home, a car, a pulse and faith.

I'm going on a road trip. I think I need a change of scenery, if only temporary. It's going to be great for the kids too!

If I told you now what would I write about in my next post?

Quick Update

Going nuts staying home. Can't drive yet but soon I hope. I fractured/broke my leg about five weeks ago but it's healing pretty well. Before that I was never home...trying to keep busy and out run my grief I guess.

On the bright side...A very good friend of mine just found out that she's with child:-)
It's been a long disappointing road for her. I am so happy for her. She deserves this.

Congratulations Niobe! He's just beautiful!

25

That's how many years we would have been married. It's still impossible for me to imagine tomorrow, next week much less the rest of my life without him. However, I seem to be surviving. I go about my every day business as usual while my heart is broken and crying out.

(Genesis 2:24) . . .That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.

A few days ago my husband died. It was a shock. I feel like my entire world was spinning out of control then came to an abrupt stop. I can't...


*Update* Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for your kind words. They helped immensely!

In Memory of...

Eight years ago I held a thirteen ounce miracle in my arms. Everything about her was beautiful and perfect. Her short time on this earth was filled with love, family and friends. She taught and gave me more in her all too brief time in my life than I could ever have given in return. Though there will always be the pain of a mothers broken heart and empty arms aching for her baby, I will forever be grateful to have been a part of that tiny miracle named Isabel.

Remembering Our Babies

I can't upload or download anything right now so I cant post the picture for October 15th. Here are some that can. I am, however, remembering ALL our babies...and lighting a candle.

The Light

...God is light
and there is no darkness at all
in union with him.
(1 John 1:5)

Are You An Original?

This little gadget lets you know how many people in America share your name. I'm not an original. Click on it and see if you are.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 2,093 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I've always liked my name and 'thought' it was unique.

Do you like your name?

If you could choose your own name what would it be?

I'll Play

Here's an interesting topic from the ladies over at Glow In The Woods. It's a spirituality-themed 6 by 6 meme. If you find this topic interesting consider yourself tagged and stop in here for details. The ladies there have also answered all these questions themselves.



1 | Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?

Absolutely. I call it Jehovah. Creation itself in addition to things that happen everyday.

2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.

Sure.

3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?

Yes. For and about anything and everything I can think of.

4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?

Helpful...there are so many scriptures, but I'll narrow it down to Psalm 27:1, Revelations 21:4 and Acts 24:15. My Favorite saying is "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?

The teaching of the resurrection has helped me profoundly. I look forward to the day that I will hold my daughter in my arms again and have the opportunity to raise her with great expectation. Also, my memorial garden and keeping her memory alive has been comforting.

6 | Some people say that in a foxhole, there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.

I've never been in a foxhole.

S

AngelMom, we remember her too.

My Little One

Little One was sick...again. It seems all too often that he has a fever. A cold=fever, cough=fever, teething=fever, you get the picture. It gets high too. His recent trip to the E.R. at 1:30 a.m. was with 104.9 and no symptoms and that was with Motrin. Yeah. They brought it down to about 103.8 and sent him home. No tests, nothing.

A few days later he had a follow-up with his Pediatrician, still had a fever, still no symptoms. A few days after that STILL no symptoms and a low grade fever. She sent him for a series of blood tests. Next day he had to repeat the tests so she could verify the results and see in what direction they were going. This time he has an ear infection. Relief, there's finally a reason for a fever.

Results are in, here's where it gets ugly...He is now referred to a Pediatric Hematologist Oncologist. It seems that because of the results of his blood tests it may be a virus (more than likely) but it could also be Leukemia. I felt as if she punched me with that word, I couldn't breath and I certainly couldn't swallow down the lump in my throat. It was the one year anniversary of my mothers death. Admittedly not knowing much about it, all I could think is that I could not lose him, not another one, not now. Yes, I do know that's jumping the gun but I wasn't using my perceptive powers of reasoning at the time.

There you go...I wasn't sure how or even if I should post this but it's done and now you know. I do believe that this is just a virus, a strange, rare one but just a virus. I pray everyday that it is. I haven't been able to discuss it with most of my real life friends but I could blog it...go figure.


*Updated to add: The results are in and he DOES NOT HAVE LEU*KEMIA! Thank you for your comments.

This one's for Jen's Daughter

Random Shots

Haiku Friday

Wow! Almost a year.
I still can't believe she's gone.
The heart will heal...right?

"Little One" asks why,
Little Sister had to die.
Thanks Him, says "Amen."

No Internet

I haven't posted because I have no internet. It was turned off by the security center right after my last post. It seems I hadn't secured my wireless connection and...well someone abused it. Now that I've secured it I can't get them to turn it back on. I hope I'll be back on soon. In the meantime I log on at the library (which really sucks) to check in on all of you. I hope I'll be back soon. I miss everyone.