Fall

I remember when I was a kid and I could trust completely.

The kind of trust that would let me close my eyes turn around and just fall back. I knew that the person I trusted (mom, dad, friend, etc.) would catch me. I never doubted it. So I fell.

Back when I thought that every woman could become pregnant. When I though that every pregnancy resulted in a live, take-home baby. When I thought that my parents would never die. When I thought that my friends and family would always live close by. Back when I would have never thought that an entire month (or two) of every single year could send you back to square one in the grieving process.

Sometimes it's not so easy to just fall. To close my eyes and know that someone will catch me and help me back to my feet. I guess I know better now. So I stand. I stand and keep going and try to extend a hand along the way.

My Bad

My doctor said that my baby would not be born alive.

Then she said that if she was born alive, it would be for only a few breaths.

I asked if she could be put on a respirator ( or ANYTHING) to help her.

She said no.

She said that if I made them do that, it would only be further trauma to my baby and her few minutes (if that) of life.

She said she had ABSOLUTELY no chance of survival.

I couldn't further traumatize her.

Not with NO chance of survival.

I loved her too much.

After all, she was only 21 weeks and six days gestation.

Thankfully her doctor didn't feel the same.

Thinking of AngelMom
and Baby Girl S G today.

Friends

Cyber schmyber, a friend is a friend.

I haven't been able to focus long enough to write lately. Even when I want to write down what I'm feeling it just doesn't translate to written word well. It's like a fog or a blur. There is however one thing that's clear...You guys are great!

When I read your comments, I feel better. I really do. The sincere concern that you show cheers me up. No, I'm not a hermit without real life friends. It's just that you don't know me and have nothing to lose or gain...and still, you comment. I just want you all to know that it means a lot to me.

Enough with the mush. Here's what you are in different languages.

Which one do you like?

Albanian -- mik
Afrikaans - vriend
Chinese - péngyou
Dutch - vriend, vriendje
Danish - ven
Estonian - sõber
French - ami
German - freund
Georgian - megobari
Hungarian - barát
Indian - dost
italian - amico
Irish - cara
Japanese -- tomodachi
korean -- jingu
Latin -- amicus
Manx -- carrey
Old English -- freond, wine
Persian -- dust
Russian -- prijátel
Sanskrit -- mitra
Spanish -- amigo
Swahili -- rafiki
Turkish -- dost,arkadas

Another Haiku Friday

I guess this is life-
We are born to slowly die.
So why does it hurt?

My miracle boy.
Sometimes I still can't believe,
Your here and alive!

My sweet baby girl,
I couldn't keep you alive.

I'm sorry I failed-

Haiku Friday

She really is gone-
My heart is afraid to cry,
It may never stop.

I'm Back

I'm finally home!

So much has happened in these last few weeks that I'm not sure where to start.

My mom was admitted to the hospital on Saturday the 4th of August. She was put on a ventilator on Sunday. Her lungs weren't doing their job due to fibrosis, then pneumonia complicated the matter. Also, she had just finished chemo and was having radiation. First let me tell you about her radiation...

She was going to be getting radiation every day for six weeks. She was only on her second week. On July 30th she goes to have radiation and tells her doctor that she feels pain in her chest and feels like she can't breathe. She also tells him she feels weak and has a fever. He tells her that it isn't an infection because if it was her white blood cells would be elevated. Next day, same thing except this time all symptoms are worse including the fever. She says she's concerned she might have bronchitis or pneumonia. Again, he tells her that her white cells aren't elevated enough for it to be an infection. Now this is the doctor who is administering her radiation telling her this. RADIATION LOWERS YOUR WHITE BLOOD CELLS! How can HE have overlooked that! Anyway, he tells her that if she's concerned to make an appointment with her primary care physician. She did and his first appointment was August 29th. Meanwhile...he tells her he has to stop her treatments for a week because of her weakened state. Believing him, she goes home and stays in bed since she thinks it can't be serious (thanks doc!) Until she can't breathe, even with her inhalers.

To make a long story short; her lungs finally couldn't do their job anymore. She tried, really tried but her body had failed her. She died with all the beauty, love, gentleness and dignity that she portrayed every day of her life. We buried her on the 18th. I stayed a little longer to take care of her personal stuff.

The plane trip home was the best I can remember for me and Little One.

If it wasn't for my faith...I don't think I could have gotten through this. At least, not without being hysterical and needing sedation.

By the way, THANK YOU! I checked in a few times while I was away and was really encouraged by your comments. Thank You!

Mom

My mother fell asleep in death on August 12. She was beautiful and peaceful as she took her last breaths. I held her in my arms but couldn't save her. My mother, my daughter, my heart.

Update

The flight wasn't as horrible as I had anticipated. Not good but bearable. Little One did great.

My mom is on life support. She's terminal. She's sixty-two.

I'm Off!

My mother is ill and I need to be with her.

Problem is ...I'm flying. I don't do that very well. I'm talking about full blown panic attack not well.

I'll get through it. She needs me.

Tomorrow Little One and I are off to California. I'll try to post an update from there.

Did I mention that I'm acrophobic?

Memorial Garden

Memorial Garden II

Alone? Or not?

When you feel really down. I mean when Murphy's Law has taken up permanent residency at your place, and thats in ADDITION to the grief of having lost your baby. Do you like to be alone? Or would you prefer to be in the company of good friends and/or family?

I know that some people would prefer to be alone. Like, don't talk to me, look at me, and never, EVER try to comfort me! On the other hand some like the support, the shoulder of an understanding friend or family member, they NEED someone to cry with.

What if your not sure? You want to be alone yet want to know that someone understand. REALLY, like I've been through this too, understands. Or even, I don't understand but I won't pretend to and I'll be there for you no matter what.


How about you? Do you need to be alone? Or not?

A month later...

Sorry for the long silence.

I felt like I was in a fog, walking in the shadows. Like I was constantly struggling and climbing to reach the top then, when I'm almost there and can see the light...I slip again. It's been difficult to get focused and harder to stay that way. And It's not even October. Yet.

Anyway, I'm better now. A friend of mine has been e-mailing me and (unknowingly) has succeeded in helping me focus on other things. Thank You!

I'm trying to find new music for a cd I'm making of songs that remind me of my daughter.



What songs remind you of your baby(ies)?

Rated G

I borrowed the idea from Niobe who borrowed it from someone else. Anyway, this site rates your blog and even lets you know why you received said rating.

This blog is rated G. The rating was based on use of these two words: Pain (x1) and Hurt (x2).

So I guess blogger thinks that the ravings of a mother in mourning desperately trying to dignify and hold on to the memory of her babies is...For Everyone!

Baby Remembrance

I found a link to a new site from Niobe. Here you can have your baby's date remembered. There's a page for each month with a nice little memorial picture (usually candles or flowers). You can link your blog to your baby's remembrance. It's small and simple but feels more personal than the larger sites. DD responds to requests promptly and warmly. Check it out.

Forgive and Forget

I've got the first part down but I honestly need help on the second.

I just can't do it. I know the scriptures. I know. I just can't. How do you wipe out a memory? And then my personality is such that when the thought comes back to mind, I can't help but feel the pain or anger all over again.

I can forgive, why not forget? I forget everything else. As Msfitzita brought out I'm a prime candidate for Alzheimer's. I just wish I had selective memory.

How do you open your heart completely and have unconditional love for someone when you can't forget what they've done?

Maybe I haven't actually forgiven. I thought I had. I wish I could.

Life would be so much easier if I could just forget.

In Memory Of Liam

Kate wrote a beautiful tribute to her son Liam.

Liam entered the world on May 5th 2007 along with his twin brother Ben and left...too soon.

I'm Fine

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m FINE! I could jog all the way to Texas and back…but my daughter can’t! She never could! Oh..God…I’m so mad! I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know WHY Shelby’s life is over! I wanna know HOW that baby will EVER know how wonderful his mother was. Will he EVER know what she went through for him? Oh God I wanna know WHY? WHY? Lord..I wish I could understand! No….No!….No!! NO! It’s not suppose to happen this way! I’m supposed to go first! I’ve always been ready to go first! I don’t think I can take this..I .. I don’t think I can take this! I just wanna hit somethin’! I just wanna hit somebody..till they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!



Movie: Steel Magnolias

Scene by: Sally Field

Misunderstood

Unfortunately, (probably because I suck at blogging/writing) my previous post has been misconstrued.

My feelings are not and have not been hurt.

What I thought I said, meant was; a) I was glad to have been tagged (a first for me.) b) I thought the the meme was confusing too, I just did it anyway. c) Had I thought about it I may have had the same opinion as Niobe. I just didn't think about it. d) After reading Niobe's post, I agree. e) I am nonetheless still glad that Tracey tagged me.

I didn't mean to whine or portray in any way that my feeling were hurt. They weren't. As a matter of fact the comments caught me off guard. I had to reread the post myself.

I don't in any way want to detour anyone else from doing it. And if you still wanted to do it Angel Mom, I for one would be interested in reading your answers.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.