I'm Back

I'm finally home!

So much has happened in these last few weeks that I'm not sure where to start.

My mom was admitted to the hospital on Saturday the 4th of August. She was put on a ventilator on Sunday. Her lungs weren't doing their job due to fibrosis, then pneumonia complicated the matter. Also, she had just finished chemo and was having radiation. First let me tell you about her radiation...

She was going to be getting radiation every day for six weeks. She was only on her second week. On July 30th she goes to have radiation and tells her doctor that she feels pain in her chest and feels like she can't breathe. She also tells him she feels weak and has a fever. He tells her that it isn't an infection because if it was her white blood cells would be elevated. Next day, same thing except this time all symptoms are worse including the fever. She says she's concerned she might have bronchitis or pneumonia. Again, he tells her that her white cells aren't elevated enough for it to be an infection. Now this is the doctor who is administering her radiation telling her this. RADIATION LOWERS YOUR WHITE BLOOD CELLS! How can HE have overlooked that! Anyway, he tells her that if she's concerned to make an appointment with her primary care physician. She did and his first appointment was August 29th. Meanwhile...he tells her he has to stop her treatments for a week because of her weakened state. Believing him, she goes home and stays in bed since she thinks it can't be serious (thanks doc!) Until she can't breathe, even with her inhalers.

To make a long story short; her lungs finally couldn't do their job anymore. She tried, really tried but her body had failed her. She died with all the beauty, love, gentleness and dignity that she portrayed every day of her life. We buried her on the 18th. I stayed a little longer to take care of her personal stuff.

The plane trip home was the best I can remember for me and Little One.

If it wasn't for my faith...I don't think I could have gotten through this. At least, not without being hysterical and needing sedation.

By the way, THANK YOU! I checked in a few times while I was away and was really encouraged by your comments. Thank You!

Mom

My mother fell asleep in death on August 12. She was beautiful and peaceful as she took her last breaths. I held her in my arms but couldn't save her. My mother, my daughter, my heart.

Update

The flight wasn't as horrible as I had anticipated. Not good but bearable. Little One did great.

My mom is on life support. She's terminal. She's sixty-two.

I'm Off!

My mother is ill and I need to be with her.

Problem is ...I'm flying. I don't do that very well. I'm talking about full blown panic attack not well.

I'll get through it. She needs me.

Tomorrow Little One and I are off to California. I'll try to post an update from there.

Did I mention that I'm acrophobic?

Memorial Garden

Memorial Garden II

Alone? Or not?

When you feel really down. I mean when Murphy's Law has taken up permanent residency at your place, and thats in ADDITION to the grief of having lost your baby. Do you like to be alone? Or would you prefer to be in the company of good friends and/or family?

I know that some people would prefer to be alone. Like, don't talk to me, look at me, and never, EVER try to comfort me! On the other hand some like the support, the shoulder of an understanding friend or family member, they NEED someone to cry with.

What if your not sure? You want to be alone yet want to know that someone understand. REALLY, like I've been through this too, understands. Or even, I don't understand but I won't pretend to and I'll be there for you no matter what.


How about you? Do you need to be alone? Or not?

A month later...

Sorry for the long silence.

I felt like I was in a fog, walking in the shadows. Like I was constantly struggling and climbing to reach the top then, when I'm almost there and can see the light...I slip again. It's been difficult to get focused and harder to stay that way. And It's not even October. Yet.

Anyway, I'm better now. A friend of mine has been e-mailing me and (unknowingly) has succeeded in helping me focus on other things. Thank You!

I'm trying to find new music for a cd I'm making of songs that remind me of my daughter.



What songs remind you of your baby(ies)?

Rated G

I borrowed the idea from Niobe who borrowed it from someone else. Anyway, this site rates your blog and even lets you know why you received said rating.

This blog is rated G. The rating was based on use of these two words: Pain (x1) and Hurt (x2).

So I guess blogger thinks that the ravings of a mother in mourning desperately trying to dignify and hold on to the memory of her babies is...For Everyone!

Baby Remembrance

I found a link to a new site from Niobe. Here you can have your baby's date remembered. There's a page for each month with a nice little memorial picture (usually candles or flowers). You can link your blog to your baby's remembrance. It's small and simple but feels more personal than the larger sites. DD responds to requests promptly and warmly. Check it out.

Forgive and Forget

I've got the first part down but I honestly need help on the second.

I just can't do it. I know the scriptures. I know. I just can't. How do you wipe out a memory? And then my personality is such that when the thought comes back to mind, I can't help but feel the pain or anger all over again.

I can forgive, why not forget? I forget everything else. As Msfitzita brought out I'm a prime candidate for Alzheimer's. I just wish I had selective memory.

How do you open your heart completely and have unconditional love for someone when you can't forget what they've done?

Maybe I haven't actually forgiven. I thought I had. I wish I could.

Life would be so much easier if I could just forget.

In Memory Of Liam

Kate wrote a beautiful tribute to her son Liam.

Liam entered the world on May 5th 2007 along with his twin brother Ben and left...too soon.

I'm Fine

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m FINE! I could jog all the way to Texas and back…but my daughter can’t! She never could! Oh..God…I’m so mad! I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know WHY Shelby’s life is over! I wanna know HOW that baby will EVER know how wonderful his mother was. Will he EVER know what she went through for him? Oh God I wanna know WHY? WHY? Lord..I wish I could understand! No….No!….No!! NO! It’s not suppose to happen this way! I’m supposed to go first! I’ve always been ready to go first! I don’t think I can take this..I .. I don’t think I can take this! I just wanna hit somethin’! I just wanna hit somebody..till they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!



Movie: Steel Magnolias

Scene by: Sally Field

Misunderstood

Unfortunately, (probably because I suck at blogging/writing) my previous post has been misconstrued.

My feelings are not and have not been hurt.

What I thought I said, meant was; a) I was glad to have been tagged (a first for me.) b) I thought the the meme was confusing too, I just did it anyway. c) Had I thought about it I may have had the same opinion as Niobe. I just didn't think about it. d) After reading Niobe's post, I agree. e) I am nonetheless still glad that Tracey tagged me.

I didn't mean to whine or portray in any way that my feeling were hurt. They weren't. As a matter of fact the comments caught me off guard. I had to reread the post myself.

I don't in any way want to detour anyone else from doing it. And if you still wanted to do it Angel Mom, I for one would be interested in reading your answers.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Meme Misery

I was tagged a few days ago for a rather confusing meme. I had never been tagged for anything before. Though I didn't quite understand the relationship of all the questions, I did it anyway. Maybe because I just wanted to have participated in one. Maybe I thought "well...it's all in fun." Regardless of the reason I did, I did. I then tagged four people.

I shouldn't have.

If I wasn't sure about it, I shouldn't have passed it along. Duh. Did this dawn on me? NO. At least not until I read Niobe's post. I guess I could/should have killed it, I just didn't think of it.

I do thank Tracey for thinking about me.

It looks like this meme will finally be put out of it's meme misery.

I've been tagged by Tracey from Just Another Mommy Blog! I have never tagged before. Ever. So...Even though I really suck at this, I'll try.

The Rules: I'll tag you, you take the person off of the top and then put your name at the bottom of the list. Easy right?


BlondeMomBlog
Holly’s Corner
An Island Life
JustanotherMommyblog
Mother In Mourning


What were you doing 10 years ago?
I just finished unpacking and was trying to settle in our first (owned) home.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Unpacking.

Five Snacks You Enjoy
Ice cream
Dark Chocolate
Pecans
Fruit
Veggie Chips

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To

Most music by Prince
Don't Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith
My Baby You - Marc Anthony
I Wanna Get Next To You - Rose Royce
I'll Wait For You - Joe Nichols

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire

Buy a house on the coast
Vacation in a lighthouse
Have another baby
Help people who REALLY need it.
Lose weight

Five Bad Habits

Talking too much
Blogging
Unhealthy eating
Not exercising
Procrastinating

Five Things You Like To Do

Be with my family
Garden
Worship
Read
Blog

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again

Maternity clothes
Pink, red or yellow
6-inch heels
A size small
A roach clip

Five Favorite Toys

Computer
DS Lite
Cell Phone
Stereo
Car



Now it’s your turn!

I tag:

Niobe, Angel Mom, Catherine, and Msfitzita

Keeping Up

I have been so wrapped up in reading blogs that I've forgotten my occasional post.

I'm waiting for word on WTF and her baby girl.

I'm so sorry that Msfitzita is in the midst of a clomid nightmare. I had almost forgotten the clomid days (daze).

I am truly hoping that Rosepetal is doing better soon.

I'm glad that Catherine has found happiness, if even for a few moments at a time.

I hope Angel Mom is having a great vacation.

I wish Ima would post more often.

I wish I could keep up with Niobe's posts and her interesting tidbits of information.

I think Mike's photos are great.

Tracey always cracks me up.

Three Minute Palaver is always thinking of others.

I recently found Delphi.

Christina Rosalie keeps my spirit soaring.

And there are more but it would take me ALL DAY.

Also for those of you who don't have blogs, thanks for stopping by my friends...NRK, S & Jen.

Recipe Help Please

My sister and her family will be coming tomorrow and I'm at a loss for a recipe.

She lives in another state so I don't get to cook for her often and she'll be leaving the next day. She is a great cook. Everything from scratch made of course with the purest organic ingredients and without a recipe.

I, on the other hand, am not a great cook. For most things I need a recipe and still might do it wrong. I do make a good dish sometimes, but...well, I just don't cook too often.

Pork will be the main dish but I don't know what else to make with it. Sides, desserts, any recipe's will be greatly appreciated. Oh, and one more thing. If you leave me one on 'comments' PLEASE include all steps. Even if it seems like I would know that. I promise you, I won't.

THANKS in advance!

Peace

As I was driving with my Little One in the car I heard a song that reminded me of my daughter. The song was "Golden Slumber" by "K.D. Lang" and she sings it superlatively. I am once again weeping behind the wheel, and on the freeway. At the end of the song I let him know that I'm okay and that the song just reminded me of his sister. He tells me that it reminded him of her too. He's smiling. He continues, "It makes me think of how beautiful she will be when she's all grown up. After the resurrection and after she grows up." He smiles. I leave him with his thoughts.

I realize that the peaceful smile on his face is scintillating with love. I feel it too. I'm not crying because it hurts so bad, I'm crying because it hurts so good. Because the pure incorruptible love I feel for her is so strong that my heart feels ready to burst. I can see, in my minds eye, her being gently rocked in my arms, as K. D. Lang sings for us. It was then that I realized there was no pain with it. None. Just beauty and peace.

I know it will hurt sometimes. I know how difficult the anniversary of her birth/death (life) will always be. How can it not be? After all my firstborn, my baby girl, my miracle is dead. She will never in this life be with me again. Not in my arms, not in her crib, nowhere except in my heart. She can and will never be replaced. I'm just grateful to have reached a stage in my mourning when the pain is less often, and the smiles are more often. I'm grateful that I had the few hours I did with her. I'm grateful that for now there's peace. Just beauty and peace.

Haiku

My arms are empty.
I cling to her memory,
she makes my heart full.