I'm Back

I'm finally home!

So much has happened in these last few weeks that I'm not sure where to start.

My mom was admitted to the hospital on Saturday the 4th of August. She was put on a ventilator on Sunday. Her lungs weren't doing their job due to fibrosis, then pneumonia complicated the matter. Also, she had just finished chemo and was having radiation. First let me tell you about her radiation...

She was going to be getting radiation every day for six weeks. She was only on her second week. On July 30th she goes to have radiation and tells her doctor that she feels pain in her chest and feels like she can't breathe. She also tells him she feels weak and has a fever. He tells her that it isn't an infection because if it was her white blood cells would be elevated. Next day, same thing except this time all symptoms are worse including the fever. She says she's concerned she might have bronchitis or pneumonia. Again, he tells her that her white cells aren't elevated enough for it to be an infection. Now this is the doctor who is administering her radiation telling her this. RADIATION LOWERS YOUR WHITE BLOOD CELLS! How can HE have overlooked that! Anyway, he tells her that if she's concerned to make an appointment with her primary care physician. She did and his first appointment was August 29th. Meanwhile...he tells her he has to stop her treatments for a week because of her weakened state. Believing him, she goes home and stays in bed since she thinks it can't be serious (thanks doc!) Until she can't breathe, even with her inhalers.

To make a long story short; her lungs finally couldn't do their job anymore. She tried, really tried but her body had failed her. She died with all the beauty, love, gentleness and dignity that she portrayed every day of her life. We buried her on the 18th. I stayed a little longer to take care of her personal stuff.

The plane trip home was the best I can remember for me and Little One.

If it wasn't for my faith...I don't think I could have gotten through this. At least, not without being hysterical and needing sedation.

By the way, THANK YOU! I checked in a few times while I was away and was really encouraged by your comments. Thank You!

Mom

My mother fell asleep in death on August 12. She was beautiful and peaceful as she took her last breaths. I held her in my arms but couldn't save her. My mother, my daughter, my heart.

Update

The flight wasn't as horrible as I had anticipated. Not good but bearable. Little One did great.

My mom is on life support. She's terminal. She's sixty-two.

I'm Off!

My mother is ill and I need to be with her.

Problem is ...I'm flying. I don't do that very well. I'm talking about full blown panic attack not well.

I'll get through it. She needs me.

Tomorrow Little One and I are off to California. I'll try to post an update from there.

Did I mention that I'm acrophobic?

Memorial Garden

Memorial Garden II

Alone? Or not?

When you feel really down. I mean when Murphy's Law has taken up permanent residency at your place, and thats in ADDITION to the grief of having lost your baby. Do you like to be alone? Or would you prefer to be in the company of good friends and/or family?

I know that some people would prefer to be alone. Like, don't talk to me, look at me, and never, EVER try to comfort me! On the other hand some like the support, the shoulder of an understanding friend or family member, they NEED someone to cry with.

What if your not sure? You want to be alone yet want to know that someone understand. REALLY, like I've been through this too, understands. Or even, I don't understand but I won't pretend to and I'll be there for you no matter what.


How about you? Do you need to be alone? Or not?