Thursday, May 31, 2007

I've been tagged by Tracey from Just Another Mommy Blog! I have never tagged before. Ever. So...Even though I really suck at this, I'll try.

The Rules: I'll tag you, you take the person off of the top and then put your name at the bottom of the list. Easy right?

Holly’s Corner
An Island Life
Mother In Mourning

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I just finished unpacking and was trying to settle in our first (owned) home.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Five Snacks You Enjoy
Ice cream
Dark Chocolate
Veggie Chips

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To

Most music by Prince
Don't Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith
My Baby You - Marc Anthony
I Wanna Get Next To You - Rose Royce
I'll Wait For You - Joe Nichols

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire

Buy a house on the coast
Vacation in a lighthouse
Have another baby
Help people who REALLY need it.
Lose weight

Five Bad Habits

Talking too much
Unhealthy eating
Not exercising

Five Things You Like To Do

Be with my family

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again

Maternity clothes
Pink, red or yellow
6-inch heels
A size small
A roach clip

Five Favorite Toys

DS Lite
Cell Phone

Now it’s your turn!

I tag:

Niobe, Angel Mom, Catherine, and Msfitzita

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Keeping Up

I have been so wrapped up in reading blogs that I've forgotten my occasional post.

I'm waiting for word on WTF and her baby girl.

I'm so sorry that Msfitzita is in the midst of a clomid nightmare. I had almost forgotten the clomid days (daze).

I am truly hoping that Rosepetal is doing better soon.

I'm glad that Catherine has found happiness, if even for a few moments at a time.

I hope Angel Mom is having a great vacation.

I wish Ima would post more often.

I wish I could keep up with Niobe's posts and her interesting tidbits of information.

I think Mike's photos are great.

Tracey always cracks me up.

Three Minute Palaver is always thinking of others.

I recently found Delphi.

Christina Rosalie keeps my spirit soaring.

And there are more but it would take me ALL DAY.

Also for those of you who don't have blogs, thanks for stopping by my friends...NRK, S & Jen.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Recipe Help Please

My sister and her family will be coming tomorrow and I'm at a loss for a recipe.

She lives in another state so I don't get to cook for her often and she'll be leaving the next day. She is a great cook. Everything from scratch made of course with the purest organic ingredients and without a recipe.

I, on the other hand, am not a great cook. For most things I need a recipe and still might do it wrong. I do make a good dish sometimes, but...well, I just don't cook too often.

Pork will be the main dish but I don't know what else to make with it. Sides, desserts, any recipe's will be greatly appreciated. Oh, and one more thing. If you leave me one on 'comments' PLEASE include all steps. Even if it seems like I would know that. I promise you, I won't.

THANKS in advance!

Saturday, May 19, 2007


As I was driving with my Little One in the car I heard a song that reminded me of my daughter. The song was "Golden Slumber" by "K.D. Lang" and she sings it superlatively. I am once again weeping behind the wheel, and on the freeway. At the end of the song I let him know that I'm okay and that the song just reminded me of his sister. He tells me that it reminded him of her too. He's smiling. He continues, "It makes me think of how beautiful she will be when she's all grown up. After the resurrection and after she grows up." He smiles. I leave him with his thoughts.

I realize that the peaceful smile on his face is scintillating with love. I feel it too. I'm not crying because it hurts so bad, I'm crying because it hurts so good. Because the pure incorruptible love I feel for her is so strong that my heart feels ready to burst. I can see, in my minds eye, her being gently rocked in my arms, as K. D. Lang sings for us. It was then that I realized there was no pain with it. None. Just beauty and peace.

I know it will hurt sometimes. I know how difficult the anniversary of her birth/death (life) will always be. How can it not be? After all my firstborn, my baby girl, my miracle is dead. She will never in this life be with me again. Not in my arms, not in her crib, nowhere except in my heart. She can and will never be replaced. I'm just grateful to have reached a stage in my mourning when the pain is less often, and the smiles are more often. I'm grateful that I had the few hours I did with her. I'm grateful that for now there's peace. Just beauty and peace.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


My arms are empty.
I cling to her memory,
she makes my heart full.

Sunday, May 06, 2007


The little boy lost in the lonely fen,
Led by the wandering light,
Began to cry, but God, ever nigh,
Appeared like his father, in white.

He kissed the child, and by the hand led,
And to his mother brought,
Who in sorrow pale, through the lonely dale,
Her little boy weeping sought.

William Blake

Baby Boy

Seven years ago today I lost my first baby.

Seven years and seven weeks ago today I became pregnant for the first time. I had been married for sixteen years.

I still remember feelings of gratitude and love. Love for my baby and gratitude for having experienced pregnancy at all. I never thought I would experience pregnancy for any amount of time. I was still in awe of every detail of my pregnancy. My baby miraculously growing from a single cell into a human being with a beating heart. My own body changing in ways I never thought possible. Morning sickness was a treat I welcomed.

Also were the profound sense of loss and grief. The "It's not fair!" and "Why me?" kept ringing in my ears. I screamed those words over and over, if only in my head, begging my God for an answer. I stayed in bed for two days, and cried. I know this is shallow but...I was also embarrassed. How do I face all my family and friends who had rejoiced with me just days and weeks earlier? I didn't have answers yet I knew I would be facing their questions. I felt as if I were a failure. A fraud. Betrayed by my own body.

It happened on Saturday. Monday I saw my Infertility Specialist. After checking my HCG he announced that I had completely and on my own ejected everything. He told me that I may have cysts on my ovaries as was common with my PCOS and infertility treatments (meds, injections and IUI). He performed a vaginal ultrasound and saw no sign of anything out of the ordinary. "Perfect" he said, "Since your still bleeding from the the miscarriage we'll treat it as a normal cycle and start you on your meds now." I did so and in June concieved my daughter Isabel.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Random Thoughts

I like cobalt blue glass.

My teenagers have lost their minds.

Congratulations Catherine!

A longtime friend has visited my blog. "Hi, S."

I'm in awe of God.

There are wildflowers everywhere.

I wish I could help my mom while she's going through chemotherapy.

Sometimes I'm fine.

I wish I had at least a measure of artistic capabilities.

What are your artistic talents?