Sunday, May 06, 2007

Baby Boy

Seven years ago today I lost my first baby.

Seven years and seven weeks ago today I became pregnant for the first time. I had been married for sixteen years.

I still remember feelings of gratitude and love. Love for my baby and gratitude for having experienced pregnancy at all. I never thought I would experience pregnancy for any amount of time. I was still in awe of every detail of my pregnancy. My baby miraculously growing from a single cell into a human being with a beating heart. My own body changing in ways I never thought possible. Morning sickness was a treat I welcomed.

Also were the profound sense of loss and grief. The "It's not fair!" and "Why me?" kept ringing in my ears. I screamed those words over and over, if only in my head, begging my God for an answer. I stayed in bed for two days, and cried. I know this is shallow but...I was also embarrassed. How do I face all my family and friends who had rejoiced with me just days and weeks earlier? I didn't have answers yet I knew I would be facing their questions. I felt as if I were a failure. A fraud. Betrayed by my own body.

It happened on Saturday. Monday I saw my Infertility Specialist. After checking my HCG he announced that I had completely and on my own ejected everything. He told me that I may have cysts on my ovaries as was common with my PCOS and infertility treatments (meds, injections and IUI). He performed a vaginal ultrasound and saw no sign of anything out of the ordinary. "Perfect" he said, "Since your still bleeding from the the miscarriage we'll treat it as a normal cycle and start you on your meds now." I did so and in June concieved my daughter Isabel.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I will never forget the day that C called. I had never experienced happiness like that, not even for myself. I had hoped to never be able to know what that loss felt like. Soon we were crying together.... Before M. I love you. S

Angel Mom said...

{{Hugs}} to you as you remember your sweet baby boy.

ima said...

"Why me?"

a question we all have said many many many times...

thanks for the info about being quoted...

niobe said...

The memories can be so vivid and overwhelming, it's as though it just happened yesterday. Wishing you peace.

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