As I was driving with my Little One in the car I heard a song that reminded me of my daughter. The song was "Golden Slumber" by "K.D. Lang" and she sings it superlatively. I am once again weeping behind the wheel, and on the freeway. At the end of the song I let him know that I'm okay and that the song just reminded me of his sister. He tells me that it reminded him of her too. He's smiling. He continues, "It makes me think of how beautiful she will be when she's all grown up. After the resurrection and after she grows up." He smiles. I leave him with his thoughts.
I realize that the peaceful smile on his face is scintillating with love. I feel it too. I'm not crying because it hurts so bad, I'm crying because it hurts so good. Because the pure incorruptible love I feel for her is so strong that my heart feels ready to burst. I can see, in my minds eye, her being gently rocked in my arms, as K. D. Lang sings for us. It was then that I realized there was no pain with it. None. Just beauty and peace.
I know it will hurt sometimes. I know how difficult the anniversary of her birth/death (life) will always be. How can it not be? After all my firstborn, my baby girl, my miracle is dead. She will never in this life be with me again. Not in my arms, not in her crib, nowhere except in my heart. She can and will never be replaced. I'm just grateful to have reached a stage in my mourning when the pain is less often, and the smiles are more often. I'm grateful that I had the few hours I did with her. I'm grateful that for now there's peace. Just beauty and peace.