Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm going about my business, the sun is peeking out from behind a cloud still keeping our highs at about 102. Amid the steamy heat it crawls out from its dark cave looking for me. I can feel it sneaking up behind me trying to catch me off guard, I say trying because I think that I'm too fast for it. I was wrong. Dead wrong. It grabs me sinking its slimy claws into me and hurls me down that dark, seemingly bottomless pit it lives in. There I am face to face with grief again. It's crippling affect is so overwhelming it makes me believe I won't survive. Thankfully, it doesn't have the strength to hold on. So, as quickly and unsuspecting as it arrived, it's gone. Not without a trace and not without the promise that it will return. It always comes back to find me. However, each time it gives me just a little more courage that I can face it and maybe even live through it. A little more hope that just maybe the memories won't stop my heart from beating.

Friday, July 24, 2009

I have really neglected my blog.

I'm not even sure what to say or where to begin.

My road trip was great. I saw such beautiful scenery, from country to mountains to beaches. Absolutely beautiful. I also got the chance to see my friends and family. So many, so much love. They were all great and I know how blessed and fortunate I am to have them all. I had a great time and came home relaxed and grateful.

I also came home with the realization that I had been looking for him. I found myself driving by the houses he lived in and going to the places we used to go to together. I didn't find him and still, I didn't know what I was looking for. So, it finally hits me on the last, longest stretch home. Yeah, that was fun. A good five hundred miles of...well, anyway, my last hope was that he was waiting at home for me. We all know that didn't happen, so it served as an awakening of sorts. But for the time being I can't, no, won't deal with it. It's just too sad, too real, too permanent.

I've been spending too much time on facebook and too little time here. I need to get back to blogging.

Monday, July 06, 2009