Saturday, September 12, 2009

September. For the last eight years September has marked the coming of October. For me that meant the end of naively thinking that a pregnancy that has survived the first trimester equaled a take home baby. It meant the realization that you can go home from the hospital with nothing but a mother's empty, aching arms and a broken heart. After eighteen years of marriage it was our second pregnancy and the only one to survive the first trimester. Sometimes September is harder. I don't know why.

Two years ago with the death of my mother that changed. August was now the beginning of my constant sadness. At least I knew that at the end of October I would feel a renewed hope. I would be one year closer to being with her and holding her in my arms and never letting go. I would have hope because I survived another year of my heart aching so much that I couldn't imagine it beating for another full minute much less an hour or day.

November will be the first year anniversary of my husbands death. I feel like there is no end in sight, no bright light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining. As I spiral down an endless, dark pit, I wonder if  I'll ever see the light of day again. I will. I know. It just doesn't feel like it right now. I still get through each day by convincing myself that he's not home yet or upstairs or outside. When I think about it too much my heart seems to spring countless leaks and struggles for every beat, it becomes so heavy. So, I wonder...What will November be like?

4 comments:

Angel Mom said...

Ruby, you were on my mind a lot while we were vacationing. While we were gone from DH and I missed him so much, I thought of you. I know S's dates are so hard for me and I dread them from July thru September. I am so sorry that August thru November is hard for you for several reasons.

You're right. You WILL see the light again because He promises us that we will. But until then, I know it's hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

((Hugs)) and prayers.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I don't know what it will be like. But I know you'll get through it. You have your children to survive and thrive for.

My phone's always available. My ears are always open. There isn't a timer on someone's grief that tells you you've used it up and are "over" it.

Take care....

Mike said...

God is always with you.


Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com
www.mikeleonen.com
Twitter: AboutParenting

Jeanine said...

Sending you lots of hugs and strength, Ruby. I'm so sorry that this time is especially hard on you. I've always found this time of year a downer for the simple fact of winter approaching. I can't imagine the loss of my partner and child on top of it.
Hang in there! I am thinking of you.