Saturday, January 20, 2007

I sure did forget

When I was making the counter boxes of my babies for this blog, I realized something... I forgot the date I lost my first baby. I remember the day he was conceived. Why couldn't I remember when he died?

At first, I tried to reason that it was because I had gotten pregnant so quickly (I had a great Infertility Specialist) after losing him. I was not convinced! Next, I thought; "I'm sure I'm not the only mom who's ever forgotten." Still, I'm not buying it. I WAS the only mom who's ever forgotten! I knew the year and the month, but for the life of me I couldn't remember the day!

I go through every single piece of paperwork I could find in the baby book. Nothing. In my daughter's baby book. Still, nothing. I have only one option left(the most obvious one, of course), my hospital paperwork. Problem is it's huge! ALL my hospital paperwork starting from the first infertility visit.

My husband comes in and asks what I'm looking for, I can't break my concentration, I might miss it. So, I don't answer. He asks again and again. By this time, I'm hysterical, tears streaming, hair awry, on a mission. He's scared for me now... Ahhh, I found it! Now I can answer. Blurry eyed, I let him know that I AM the worst mom in the world. What kind of mom FORGETS the date of when her own baby dies. Her first pregnancy. After everything I went through to get pregnant. After how long we waited.

I'll never forget again. I still can't believe I forgot. But, I'm over it.


msfitzita said...

The mind works in very mysterious ways when it's trying so very hard to protect you from the sorrow you've had to face.

Don't beat yourself up about this. You are not the only one. I know the due date of my second baby, but not the day I miscarried. I'd have to go back to my Fertility Friend charts to figure it out.

My first miscarriage, which was at nearly 11 weeks, was so traumatic and the death of my son even more so, that the details of baby in the middle (an "easy" miscarriage, physically) sometimes gets a little lost in the process.

What matters is that you remember your babies and love them. Knowing dates isn't nearly as important as that.


LaughterThoughts said...

We all forget some of the details... but that doesn't mean that the loss was any less hurtful. And that doesn't mean that we care or love any less. (I still forget some of the details of the births of the kids I have carried through.) With my first miscarriage I remember the day I lost the pregnancy because it was Valentine's Day... with my second I remember the expected due date because it was the same due date my older son had. I remember around when I miscarried, but I don't know the exact date. But what is important is that the life is still cherished and loved. And I know that, someday, I will see my babies again when I meet them in heaven. :)