Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Never Over, Just Better

I guess I always thought (wished) that after enough time had passed it would be a faint sweet memory to recall at will. NOT.

The death of my baby was the single most traumatic, horrific thing that I have ever experienced... and you wouldn't even believe the things I've been through. Anyway, that being said, I always felt it would dissolve away with time somehow. Don't get me wrong it does get better, but its just NEVER OVER.

I got pregnant (with the help of an excellent Infertility Doctor) six months after my daughter died. I didn't tell anyone I was going through the treatments again because I couldn't face them with a negative result. When it worked I couldn't tell too many people because I didn't want to write a "How and why my my baby died" speech AGAIN. I was and am grateful for every second of my pregnancy but I lived EVERY DAY in FEAR that this was the last day that my baby would be safe and alive in my womb. My own body had already betrayed me twice.

I had pre-eclampsia and was on complete bed rest from month two to delivery. I was told I had an incompetent uterus and needed a cerclage. I opted not to get one only to find out months later that I was misdiagnosed. The thing is that instead of just enjoying this little miracle growing inside of me I lived in fear. I had a baby shower and all that fun stuff I opened each gift I was thinking of what to say when my baby died and I had to return them.

When he was born (emergency c-section) I thanked God for allowing me to see him healthy and crying and I just knew he wouldn't make it through the night. When morning came and he was still fine I felt like I had just won the lottery. Now not only do I get to have him one more day but I didn't have to be whisked away and hidden from all the others new mothers so I didn't have to hear their babies cry. Again.

For about the first year of his life I just knew that every sound was him choking, every sigh his last breath and every goodnight kiss a final farewell. I am still VERY protective of him but...I have learned that he's here to stay, and that thankfully it will be him at my funeral the way it should be.

Though the memories are now much more beautiful than sad it's just better, not over. She is and always will be a part of our family and our everyday lives. I am thankful that I can identify with and am aware of a huge part of the population now that I didn't even know existed (P.I.M.)

I just feel that in all my caution I robbed my new little one of a carefree easy going childhood.


Tracey said...

No words... just know I'm thinking of you...

niobe said...

What a bittersweet post. And you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. After what you've been through, it's no surprise that you would feel extra protective.

Angel Mom said...

I've actually been thinking about this quite a lot myself lately. I was thinking just yesterday how this will always be with me. Always. I will always have to visit the cemetery. I will always think about how my family "should" be. I will always miss S. Of course, I would never forget her or want to forget her, but I just wish that I didn't have to live this reality. That she was here instead, as all of angel mommies wish.

My subsequent pregnancies after S were also very difficult and I know I didn't fully enjoy them. I was filled with dread and fear. I also know that I am no longer the mother I was before S died. I know that in some ways my children have been cheated out of the mother they deserve to have. I was definitely a happier mother when it was just K, before S died. My other children will never know that mommy. That makes me sad. However, I also know that, in some ways, I am a better mother.

{{Hugs}} to you.

kari said...

thank you for putting into words exactly how i feel. my family thinks i'm crazy when i worry that my 9-month-old daughter -- even still --might just fail to wake up one morning. but that's the person i became after suddenly losing my first daughter full term. i'm afraid it's the way i'll always be. glad to hear it gets better!

Lia said...

I came across your site via Mama says Om and find your writing brave and honest. I am sad for your losses.

We lost our sister when she was 3 years old. It remains the most traumatic episode we have ever experienced. She would be 23 today. We still talk about her in our family and she will always be remembered.

Ruby said...

Lia, I'm sorry for your family's loss.

It's comforting to know that siblings will remember and love too. Even through the years.