I guess I always thought (wished) that after enough time had passed it would be a faint sweet memory to recall at will. NOT.
The death of my baby was the single most traumatic, horrific thing that I have ever experienced... and you wouldn't even believe the things I've been through. Anyway, that being said, I always felt it would dissolve away with time somehow. Don't get me wrong it does get better, but its just NEVER OVER.
I got pregnant (with the help of an excellent Infertility Doctor) six months after my daughter died. I didn't tell anyone I was going through the treatments again because I couldn't face them with a negative result. When it worked I couldn't tell too many people because I didn't want to write a "How and why my my baby died" speech AGAIN. I was and am grateful for every second of my pregnancy but I lived EVERY DAY in FEAR that this was the last day that my baby would be safe and alive in my womb. My own body had already betrayed me twice.
I had pre-eclampsia and was on complete bed rest from month two to delivery. I was told I had an incompetent uterus and needed a cerclage. I opted not to get one only to find out months later that I was misdiagnosed. The thing is that instead of just enjoying this little miracle growing inside of me I lived in fear. I had a baby shower and all that fun stuff but...as I opened each gift I was thinking of what to say when my baby died and I had to return them.
When he was born (emergency c-section) I thanked God for allowing me to see him healthy and crying and I just knew he wouldn't make it through the night. When morning came and he was still fine I felt like I had just won the lottery. Now not only do I get to have him one more day but I didn't have to be whisked away and hidden from all the others new mothers so I didn't have to hear their babies cry. Again.
For about the first year of his life I just knew that every sound was him choking, every sigh his last breath and every goodnight kiss a final farewell. I am still VERY protective of him but...I have learned that he's here to stay, and that thankfully it will be him at my funeral the way it should be.
Though the memories are now much more beautiful than sad it's just better, not over. She is and always will be a part of our family and our everyday lives. I am thankful that I can identify with and am aware of a huge part of the population now that I didn't even know existed (P.I.M.)
I just feel that in all my caution I robbed my new little one of a carefree easy going childhood.