Should he know?

Last week I had a play date for my little one with a little girl and her mom and sister. As my little one played with the little girl, her mom was innocently asking him something about a sibling. He answered, "I love my sister Isabel." She (the mom, the little girl didn't pick it up) looked at me confused and said, "Isabel, I don't remember meeting her." I explained that she was born at 21 weeks and 6 days and lived for only 3 hours and 45 minutes. She was apologetic.

The thing is that my little one knows about his sister matter-of-factly. He doesn't even think twice (as I think it should be) before freely speaking of her. Is that normal? I always thought it was not only normal but beautiful. As if he almost has a bond with the sister that he can't share his life with. He always speaks of her in a positive way. I'm just questioning if I made the right decision telling him about her at such a young age.

To people whose lives have never been touched by such a loss, it may seem weird or even morbid. I want to be completely honest but, I just don't ever want him to feel the kind of pain I've had to. It's too late to change anyway.

What do you think?

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I'm driving along in the car with my little one ( just turned five) listening to the radio. I have it on a country station and he likes to hear them 'sing stories'. After listening intently to ?? singing about his daughter, he asks me to turn it down so he can talk to me. Then he asks me if I knew that "The man singing on the radio was dad." "No", I answered puzzled. "Well, it was" he continues, "Know how I know?" "How?" I answered, wondering what was whirling around in his little brain. "Because the daddy in the song said that from the first breath she breathed he knew the love of a father ...AND...when that miracle smiled up at him he loved her first." I'm stunned, vision starting to blur. He says, "Don't you get it mom? She was his miracle and she smiled at him when she was borned and he loved her first! That was daddy singing about my sister Isabel!" Amazing.

I sure did forget

When I was making the counter boxes of my babies for this blog, I realized something... I forgot the date I lost my first baby. I remember the day he was conceived. Why couldn't I remember when he died?

At first, I tried to reason that it was because I had gotten pregnant so quickly (I had a great Infertility Specialist) after losing him. I was not convinced! Next, I thought; "I'm sure I'm not the only mom who's ever forgotten." Still, I'm not buying it. I WAS the only mom who's ever forgotten! I knew the year and the month, but for the life of me I couldn't remember the day!

I go through every single piece of paperwork I could find in the baby book. Nothing. In my daughter's baby book. Still, nothing. I have only one option left(the most obvious one, of course), my hospital paperwork. Problem is it's huge! ALL my hospital paperwork starting from the first infertility visit.

My husband comes in and asks what I'm looking for, I can't break my concentration, I might miss it. So, I don't answer. He asks again and again. By this time, I'm hysterical, tears streaming, hair awry, on a mission. He's scared for me now... Ahhh, I found it! Now I can answer. Blurry eyed, I let him know that I AM the worst mom in the world. What kind of mom FORGETS the date of when her own baby dies. Her first pregnancy. After everything I went through to get pregnant. After how long we waited.

I'll never forget again. I still can't believe I forgot. But, I'm over it.

De-Lurking Week

What's de-lurking? Watchers, silent readers, who won't comment. Created by Cheryl at Paper Napkin If you stop by and read please just say hi. Let me know someone actually stops in here once in a while ;)

Every dark cloud...

I'm really not that dejected all the time. I think I can just blog better when I am. More often than not when I think of the baby it's with overwhelming love, not pain. Of course it saddens me that she (they) can't be with me now, but the love they left me with overflows. I see her beauty in the sunset, in children playing, in my son's smile, in the sharp colors of the fall leaves and the soft colors of wildflowers in spring. Everything good and beautiful reminds me...and I smile. I never thought I could live through the loss of my children. Yet now I know if I could handle that, I can handle anything, anyone, anytime, anywhere. I agree with Garth; "I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance."

Maybe it's just me

When my baby died everyone was so understanding and there for me. The first anniversary, again understanding. It's now been six years and it seems as if (almost) everyone has forgotten her. I don't cry as often (and now almost never in public) as when the wound to my heart was fresh, raw and exposed. But it still hurts. Not as often or for as long, but she's always going to be my baby. Why doesn't anyone understand that? I feel as if people who haven't lost one of their own children think; "Why is she still dwelling on that? It was so long ago." Or worse, "Isn't she over that yet?" Over? How do you get over holding your baby in your arms as her breaths get deeper and further apart? As you watch and pray for one more breath to come? As you hold her against your chest and know that that was her last breath? How do you get over knowing that you'll never hear her cry again, or feel her grasp your finger, or see her open her eyes and look up at her mommy, or feel her warm breath. All this only a few short hours after the joy, the unimaginable, unconditional, overwhelming love of having givin birth for the first time. Watching as a tiny perfect human being emerges from my own body. A girl! She cries while still attached to me through our umbilical cord, and though we are still one, we are two. How do you get over it? Maybe it's just me.

Do you ever...

Do you ever know the answer in your head yet your heart doesn't understand?
Do you ever wish you could do it just one more time, regardless of the outcome, just to have that moment?
Do you ever think that if you can scream loud enough you might release the pain?
Do you ever ask WHY in your head?
Do you ever go over every detail, again?
Do you ever look at kids his/her age and wonder?
Do you ever look at kids his/her age and cry?
Do you ever look at kids his/her age and feel anger?
Do you ever wonder how you got through it?
Do you ever wish you hadn't?
Do you ever wonder how you'll get through tomorrow?
Do you ever feel guilty for smiling?
Do you ever have to pull over because the tears have blurred your vision?
Do you ever get to talk about him/her with someone who REALLY understands?
Do you ever feel thankful for knowing that kind of love?
Do you ever?

Healing

I remember when I couldn't think of her without sobbing. I cried when I saw a baby, a little girl, a pregnant woman, a baby item, when I heard certain songs, etc. I love her just as much if not even more now, yet... I can think of her and smile. Sometimes my smile comes through tears, but sometimes its just a smile. Time does help. I'm thankful.

Hospital Pictures

When I was in the hospital, after my daughter died, the nurse came in to take her. She mentioned that they were going to take her "Hospital baby pictures." I thought that taking the picture of a baby, who was dead, was morbid. I said no. She tried to convince me otherwise, saying I would want them "Later". Absolutely not! Though I didn't remember this conversation, until a few years later. Taken the circumstances, I'm not suprised. I was very upset that she had even suggested it. I felt it was a violation of our intimate situation. About a year and a half later I heard that this was routine in many hospitals. My husband had taken a couple when she was alive, but not nearly as many as I wished he had. I contacted the hospital to see if it was done. They assured me that it was routine. I couldn't wait to have them in my hands. Pictures of my very much missed baby girl. After about five months of their tracking her file, it's found! And to my dissapointment it contained no pictures. It was noted that I had refused and they could do nothing. I very much regret not having them. I found out later that they never ask they just do it, and six months to a year later offer you the picures. This makes so much more sense. Given your emotional (not to mention physical) condition at the time, what do they expect? A rational answer? If you don't know if the hospital took pictures or not, call them and ask. You may not be ready to see them for a while but at least you'll know they're there.

Faith

It's been six years since the loss of my daughter. I don't think I could have made it through that time without faith. My whole-hearted faith in God and belief in the resurrection promise helped me keep my sanity and hope. I also had the loving support of my husband, family and congregation. I hadn't realized just how blessed I am.

Why this blog?

I wanted to create a place I could come to and feel safe to mourn, to vent and to go on. When you lose a baby everyone "knows how you feel" is "So sorry" and reminds you (if you can) that "You could always have more". It would be nice if any of this could possibly help you feel better about just having lost a beautiful life, but it doesn't. Even if you have other children, it doesn't replace the one(s) you've lost. I think that to relate you have to be a mom who has lost your own baby, whether in utero, in your arms or in their crib. Having a life developing inside you even gives dad a disadvantage in understanding. The constant whirlwind of emotions that go on inside my head and heart. Some can be voiced, some not. For a very long time I felt alone. I have very recently found a website "Honored Babies" where I was able to post a memorial for free. I saw so many others and even made contact with another mom (who's wounded heart was on the same day, though different year than my own), hence the inspiration for this blog. Please feel free to comment, as that is what this site is for.

Lyrics In Loving Memory Of My Isabel

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you are far away and dreaming,
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever,
Where a moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,


I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep,
Cause I miss you baby, And I don't want to miss a thing,
Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do,
I still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating,
And I wondering what you are dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you are seeing,
Then I kiss your eyes and thank god we're together,
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever and forever forever


And I don't want to miss one smile,
I don't want to miss one kiss,
I just want to be with you right here with you,
Just like this, I just want to hold you close,
I feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment,
For all of the rest of time


*************


Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the

dance