It's been a year. A year since he...

Isabel

My little girl would be nine. When she was born I thought my heart would burst I loved her so much. Her Dad and Grandma were in the room too. He felt the same for her and showed me the tender, loving care he gave her. Her Grandma beamed with pride. She cried as she held her beautiful granddaughter in her arms. They both thanked me for giving birth to her. I cradled my baby girl in my arms, everything was perfect, I thanked God for this experience.

Three hours and forty-five minutes later she took her last breath in my arms. Our hearts were broken. I was there for her first breath and her last. I spent every minute of her life with her. She knew only love and peace. I thanked God for this experience.

Ok, really? Really? What were they thinking?

October Again...

I can't believe she'll be nine this month. As I mourn her father, I haven't been as focused on my baby girl. Not that I don't miss her, I just haven't been drowning in the same waves of grief that seem to come lapping at me every October. Instead, I welcome the familiar waves as I look at the horizon afraid of the next month lurking in the depths of the angry water threatening to overtake me with a tidal wave of grief.

September. For the last eight years September has marked the coming of October. For me that meant the end of naively thinking that a pregnancy that has survived the first trimester equaled a take home baby. It meant the realization that you can go home from the hospital with nothing but a mother's empty, aching arms and a broken heart. After eighteen years of marriage it was our second pregnancy and the only one to survive the first trimester. Sometimes September is harder. I don't know why.

Two years ago with the death of my mother that changed. August was now the beginning of my constant sadness. At least I knew that at the end of October I would feel a renewed hope. I would be one year closer to being with her and holding her in my arms and never letting go. I would have hope because I survived another year of my heart aching so much that I couldn't imagine it beating for another full minute much less an hour or day.

November will be the first year anniversary of my husbands death. I feel like there is no end in sight, no bright light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining. As I spiral down an endless, dark pit, I wonder if  I'll ever see the light of day again. I will. I know. It just doesn't feel like it right now. I still get through each day by convincing myself that he's not home yet or upstairs or outside. When I think about it too much my heart seems to spring countless leaks and struggles for every beat, it becomes so heavy. So, I wonder...What will November be like?

Rain & Flu

Another day of rain. We need it.

Now that I'm almost better and Little One seems completely better, his sisters all have it. I guess it has to make it's rounds, I just hope I'm not at the end of that round too.

My little one just lost both his front teeth! He looks so adorable I could just eat his little toothless self all up:) I call him my little vampiro.

I hate being this sick!

My Little One is sick. High fever, poor baby:(

Children & Grief

I was recently asked to review a book called "A Guide to Children and Grief." . The author of the book is Miri Rossitto, she's the owner of Valley of Life.

I was glad to discover that It's not a two thousand page report on the details of a child's every move after loss. However, it is informative, to the point, easy to understand (and I emphasize EASY) and has what I call quick reference charts to quickly find exactly what your looking for.

If you want a copy or just want to check it out you can find it here.

My Husband, My Daughter, My Mom

I miss him so much! I love him so much! There's not a day, an hour that goes by that my heart doesn't bleed for him. It just wants to stop beating. It truly believes that the realization of the permanency of the situation will prove fatal. We were supposed to grow old together...



She would be eight. Still, I can't picture her as more than a toddler. As I struggle to keep the memories clear and the smells vivid, still, the pain doesn't fade. Gratefully though, the pain is less often and the love burns strong and bright as ever.



She had innocence and gentleness, kindness and love. She was honest and sweet. All that, with the strength and courage of a lion. A tangible blessing.

I'm going about my business, the sun is peeking out from behind a cloud still keeping our highs at about 102. Amid the steamy heat it crawls out from its dark cave looking for me. I can feel it sneaking up behind me trying to catch me off guard, I say trying because I think that I'm too fast for it. I was wrong. Dead wrong. It grabs me sinking its slimy claws into me and hurls me down that dark, seemingly bottomless pit it lives in. There I am face to face with grief again. It's crippling affect is so overwhelming it makes me believe I won't survive. Thankfully, it doesn't have the strength to hold on. So, as quickly and unsuspecting as it arrived, it's gone. Not without a trace and not without the promise that it will return. It always comes back to find me. However, each time it gives me just a little more courage that I can face it and maybe even live through it. A little more hope that just maybe the memories won't stop my heart from beating.

I have really neglected my blog.

I'm not even sure what to say or where to begin.

My road trip was great. I saw such beautiful scenery, from country to mountains to beaches. Absolutely beautiful. I also got the chance to see my friends and family. So many, so much love. They were all great and I know how blessed and fortunate I am to have them all. I had a great time and came home relaxed and grateful.

I also came home with the realization that I had been looking for him. I found myself driving by the houses he lived in and going to the places we used to go to together. I didn't find him and still, I didn't know what I was looking for. So, it finally hits me on the last, longest stretch home. Yeah, that was fun. A good five hundred miles of...well, anyway, my last hope was that he was waiting at home for me. We all know that didn't happen, so it served as an awakening of sorts. But for the time being I can't, no, won't deal with it. It's just too sad, too real, too permanent.

I've been spending too much time on facebook and too little time here. I need to get back to blogging.

The Golden State

Beehive 3

Beehive 2

My First Souvenir

My unwanted souvenir from the Beehive State. A boulder found it's way to my windshield thanks to a semi truck.

The Beehive State

Day 2

This is Four Corners where if you stand, or lay (as many preferred) in the center, you'll literally be in four states at once. Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona.

The Land Of Enchantment

Our encounter with Roswell.

The Carlsbad sky at dusk.

Day 1

From the Lone Star State into the Land Of Enchantment.

Road Trip

I'll be on my way this weekend. I still have so much to do before I go, procrastinator that I am.

After driving across the Lone Star State I'll be entering the Land Of Enchantment, where I'll stay my first night in it's largest city. Then heading to the four corners where I'll drive through The Centennial State briefly before entering The Beehive State where I'll be staying near it's capital for about a week. After which I'll be off to the The Silver State where I'll stay on the strip of it's largest and brightest city for a few nights. Okay, that's a lot of driving. Thankfully my friend S is flying in the night before I leave to do the road trip with me. I know, way cool, thanks S! Now where was I? Oh yeah, I'm now heading to The Golden State where I'll be staying in several different cities. Can't wait to see the beautiful Pacific Ocean again!

The return trip is a straight shot east through The Grand Canyon State and The Land Of Enchantment back into the Lone Star State.

I'll try to post pictures from each state while I'm there.

Now where did I put that to do list?

An Anniversary Story

A couple that happen to be very good friends of mine just had their 16th wedding anniversary. I agreed to have their party at my house. That was not a good idea. However, leave it to me not to figure that one out until after I said, "Yes."

Last month would have been my 25th and I had to be brain dead to think I could deal with this so soon like a grown-up. So...I make absolutely no preparations until the day of the party. I figured that if I didn't have time to think about it it would somehow be okay. Not.

First of all I did everything at the last minute so I was late getting back. Yes, you can be late to a party that is at your own home. Next, I didn't have time to cook what I promised so I bought it cooked. I really wanted to but every time I stayed home that day all I could do was cry. I figured if I was running all day doing everything last minute I wouldn't have time to do that. Wrong again. I cried in the car, at the grocery store, at M*acy's, at S*am's Club. All day, everywhere.

I get home, throw together the food I brought (thankfully others brought their "real food" all home made) greet a few guests and go in the bathroom to cry. Then I wash up, come out, greet more guests and the guests of honor and go outside and cry. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty dehydrated by now. Then after about a half hour I go back inside and pretty much keep it together the rest of the night.

I don't think the guests of honor were aware of this. At least, I hope not.

It was a nice party and they are a great couple.

The worst part of it for me isn't how sad I was or how empty I felt remembering my better half...it was the guilt. I felt/ feel so guilty for ruining it. Even if no one else noticed. I did. I feel so selfish for thinking of myself and my loss when this is such a special day for them. I feel like a selfish teenager. Yes, an everything is always about me, teenager.

It's only been six months since I lost him but shouldn't I at least be able to control when and where I fall apart? I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable around me. It was so different when I lost my daughter. I felt entitled to grieve when and where ever I needed to. It was my right. She was my baby. After all, not many people know what it feels like to hold your newborn in your arms and watch helplessly while she dies. It is my right. But, many people have lost their spouses. They survive. It makes me feel like I don't have the right to grieve when and where I need to. Like I should quit whining.

I did kind of make up for it by buying them way cool gifts.

I just feel so selfish. Selfish, sad and empty.

Free Cookies

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Photo By S

I'm back. Really, where else would I be? I don't want to be. Honestly. I don't. However, I have a little one, a little one who happens to need me. So here I am. Half of me anyway, my better half gone, to keep going on for my little one.

Time has elapsed and as I struggle to keep the walls up and solid they keep slipping and softening, conforming to their own agenda. I have glimpses of him and what we had and I crumble. Crumble, like an infant that cannot be pacified. I can't dwell too long if I expect to keep a measure of my sanity. I tremble at the thought of going through life without him. Alas, I grieve.

I don't want to come across as ungrateful. I am thankful for what I still have. I have my little one. I have a home, a car, a pulse and faith.

I'm going on a road trip. I think I need a change of scenery, if only temporary. It's going to be great for the kids too!

If I told you now what would I write about in my next post?

Quick Update

Going nuts staying home. Can't drive yet but soon I hope. I fractured/broke my leg about five weeks ago but it's healing pretty well. Before that I was never home...trying to keep busy and out run my grief I guess.

On the bright side...A very good friend of mine just found out that she's with child:-)
It's been a long disappointing road for her. I am so happy for her. She deserves this.

Congratulations Niobe! He's just beautiful!

25

That's how many years we would have been married. It's still impossible for me to imagine tomorrow, next week much less the rest of my life without him. However, I seem to be surviving. I go about my every day business as usual while my heart is broken and crying out.

(Genesis 2:24) . . .That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.