A few days ago my husband died. It was a shock. I feel like my entire world was spinning out of control then came to an abrupt stop. I can't...


*Update* Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for your kind words. They helped immensely!

In Memory of...

Eight years ago I held a thirteen ounce miracle in my arms. Everything about her was beautiful and perfect. Her short time on this earth was filled with love, family and friends. She taught and gave me more in her all too brief time in my life than I could ever have given in return. Though there will always be the pain of a mothers broken heart and empty arms aching for her baby, I will forever be grateful to have been a part of that tiny miracle named Isabel.

Remembering Our Babies

I can't upload or download anything right now so I cant post the picture for October 15th. Here are some that can. I am, however, remembering ALL our babies...and lighting a candle.

The Light

...God is light
and there is no darkness at all
in union with him.
(1 John 1:5)

Are You An Original?

This little gadget lets you know how many people in America share your name. I'm not an original. Click on it and see if you are.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 2,093 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I've always liked my name and 'thought' it was unique.

Do you like your name?

If you could choose your own name what would it be?

I'll Play

Here's an interesting topic from the ladies over at Glow In The Woods. It's a spirituality-themed 6 by 6 meme. If you find this topic interesting consider yourself tagged and stop in here for details. The ladies there have also answered all these questions themselves.



1 | Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?

Absolutely. I call it Jehovah. Creation itself in addition to things that happen everyday.

2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.

Sure.

3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?

Yes. For and about anything and everything I can think of.

4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?

Helpful...there are so many scriptures, but I'll narrow it down to Psalm 27:1, Revelations 21:4 and Acts 24:15. My Favorite saying is "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?

The teaching of the resurrection has helped me profoundly. I look forward to the day that I will hold my daughter in my arms again and have the opportunity to raise her with great expectation. Also, my memorial garden and keeping her memory alive has been comforting.

6 | Some people say that in a foxhole, there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.

I've never been in a foxhole.

S

AngelMom, we remember her too.

My Little One

Little One was sick...again. It seems all too often that he has a fever. A cold=fever, cough=fever, teething=fever, you get the picture. It gets high too. His recent trip to the E.R. at 1:30 a.m. was with 104.9 and no symptoms and that was with Motrin. Yeah. They brought it down to about 103.8 and sent him home. No tests, nothing.

A few days later he had a follow-up with his Pediatrician, still had a fever, still no symptoms. A few days after that STILL no symptoms and a low grade fever. She sent him for a series of blood tests. Next day he had to repeat the tests so she could verify the results and see in what direction they were going. This time he has an ear infection. Relief, there's finally a reason for a fever.

Results are in, here's where it gets ugly...He is now referred to a Pediatric Hematologist Oncologist. It seems that because of the results of his blood tests it may be a virus (more than likely) but it could also be Leukemia. I felt as if she punched me with that word, I couldn't breath and I certainly couldn't swallow down the lump in my throat. It was the one year anniversary of my mothers death. Admittedly not knowing much about it, all I could think is that I could not lose him, not another one, not now. Yes, I do know that's jumping the gun but I wasn't using my perceptive powers of reasoning at the time.

There you go...I wasn't sure how or even if I should post this but it's done and now you know. I do believe that this is just a virus, a strange, rare one but just a virus. I pray everyday that it is. I haven't been able to discuss it with most of my real life friends but I could blog it...go figure.


*Updated to add: The results are in and he DOES NOT HAVE LEU*KEMIA! Thank you for your comments.

This one's for Jen's Daughter

Random Shots

Haiku Friday

Wow! Almost a year.
I still can't believe she's gone.
The heart will heal...right?

"Little One" asks why,
Little Sister had to die.
Thanks Him, says "Amen."

No Internet

I haven't posted because I have no internet. It was turned off by the security center right after my last post. It seems I hadn't secured my wireless connection and...well someone abused it. Now that I've secured it I can't get them to turn it back on. I hope I'll be back on soon. In the meantime I log on at the library (which really sucks) to check in on all of you. I hope I'll be back soon. I miss everyone.

Update

I realize that I haven't posted in what seems to be forever. Sorry.

I have had so many posts in my head that never found there way here. Now they're gone.
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My best friend just lost her grandmother.
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My other best friend and her family came to visit from California. For a whole week I had a two month old:)
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My 17 year old is now Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.
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Sometimes my grief and memories are like a butterfly that caught a breeze and float by so effortlessly and beautifully that all I can do is smile. Sometimes it hits like a truck manned by a reckless driver who doesn't care when and where he strikes. Lately its the latter.
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Three women in my bible study group are pregnant. They say its my water. I wish.
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I always read you're blogs, even when I don't comment or post.
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I want to buy one of these.
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I still feel like I'm in a fog a lot of the time. Remembering my moms words describing herself...I think it might be menopause.
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I love getting mail. I just do. Some of my recent mail treasures are souvenirs from Niobe, (Thank you, I love them!) surprise packages from Jen (Thanks, I love them too!) and letters from my nephews in California.
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I went to Sea World (yay!) and had heatstroke (boo!)
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My memorial garden looks like a miniature forest. I trimmed back my oregano and rosemary plants. I offered the trimmings to the neighbors and everyone wanted fresh oregano but no takers for the rosemary. I also got rid of three bags of morning glory vines that thought they owned the entire garden. They were thrown in the trash, their punishment for trying to choke out every other living thing in their path. I kept all the basil. Newly planted there are two mexican birds of paradise. One for my grandmother and one for my uncle. I was happy to see a hummingbird hungrily lunging at my bleeding hearts.
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A very sweet friend of mine is going through a very hard time and it makes my heart so sad for her.
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I have just introduced my children to Gilligan's Island. I rented the series from netflix. They love the show.
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I wish I could something that makes a difference.
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My husband and my six year old are playing their new wii game, Indiana Jones. I can hear them arguing and playing and can't tell which is the six year old.
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I miss my baby girl so, so much. And my mom too.

She's Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Anonymous

When a baby is destined to die

Jeanne Deibert knew as soon as she saw the ultrasound. Read more...

Don't forget to launch the video.

How Many Children?

At a gathering I was asked how many children I had. I answered, "Five living and a daughter who I lost right before Little One." She asked me how old she was and we had a nice conversation. I was proud to have mentioned my sweet baby girl.

Five minutes later another woman came up to me, complimented me on my children and asked how many I had. Without hesitation I replied, "Five."

In consistency I'm lacking, though in love for my baby girl I never waiver.

Sushi everyone?

Just about every person(adult) I know likes sushi. I don't. Is this odd or does everyone else in the world but me like it?
How about you?
Your friends?

Spring

Out of hiding

I have had such a hard time climbing back up this time. After recovering from a stomach virus, followed by the flu doing its rounds at my house, I got a stomach virus again. Wha...? Why? Oh, that's right...because it's ME! Anyway, right in the midst of it all my moms death flooded in around me like like a dark, heavy, overwhelming cloud. I still can't believe... I guess I just fell into a (seemingly bottomless) pit of depression or sadness or something. Because I'm not good with {{sharing}} my feelings (in real life) I don't think anyone around me knew. It still breaks my heart when I think of her...

My youngest (living) daughter picked the middle of this time to lose her mind. In the process this rebellious, seventeen year old bag of raging hormones with a bionic mouth almost made me lose mine as well. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Now that I can focus again I want to congratulate Niobe for her limerick chick award I love her winning entry!

A Stillbirth Story

We said hello ... and goodbye
Couple chronicles life after loss of daughter.

Read the article.

Quick Update

I'll get back to posting more regularly...really.

My Father-in-law died two days ago. He had been sick for quite some time. He knew it was coming and said what he wanted said. He lived in Taiwan (he was military and his second wife is from there) so we met only once. We kept in touch and were close. He was a good man. I miss him.

The flu has taken up residence here! My older kids brought it home from school (of course.) It has infected the majority of our family and several friends. Yesterday I couldn't get my temperature under 103 until evening. When "Little One" had it I thought he would quit breathing every time he coughed. My poor husband has to go to work with it. You would think that they wouldn't want it to spread. Unfortunately what's on their minds is that he has no more sick leave and they need him there.

I hope you're all staying healthy!

Study: Caffeine may boost miscarriage risk

Anything that can give us a little more insight on giving our babies a fighting chance... is a good thing. Read this.

I just had surgery and am recovering very slowly...but surely.

I miss reading all your blogs. I can't wait to catch up. I hope you're all well!